Page 2 of Beautiful Disaster

I take her hand and play with her fingers. “I guess that’s fair.” It’s not, though. I’m tired of being dumped. It makes me feel unwanted and unloved. No one seems to like me. Or they do, but get fucking sick of me. My ego has been taking a fucking beating for the past couple of years.

“You know what you need?” she asks, wiping away an annoying stray tear. I want to pull away. Burn with it. Don’t touch me. Don’t touch me.

I shake my head.

“You need a man. I know you were forced to sleep with countless men when you were a kid. I still shudder at the thought of what they did to you. But I think you’ll be able to relate to them better. You don’t even have to have sex with him. Not just any man. A man who won’t put up with your shit but won’t leave you for it either.”

I chuckle humorlessly. “It’s not gonna happen.”

When I started dating women, I thought it’d be easier and less complicated. How wrong I was. They’re complex and emotionally evolved. My stupid brain struggles to relate to them on a deeper level. I see things. I process things differently, analyzing and figuring out what’s going on—all except when it comes to me and my life, like I’m blind or something.

It’s not that I have anything against men, per se. While I was forced to be a hooker, I thought I was straight. According to my therapist, she thinks I’ve pushed myself to date women just to avoid men. I guess that’s possible. While I can have sex with the ladies, I struggle to bond with them. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s fucking lonely. It’s like I’m doing something that intentionally hurts me, but I can’t seem to fix it.

Gwen brushes her fingers through my hair. “You’re so amazing in so many ways. You’re in college, preparing for a job that’s so rewarding, which impresses the hell out of me, especially after what you’ve been through. You do great work on the ranch here and take care of the gazillion animals. But you’re emotionally stunted. That just doesn’t work for me any longer. I tried. I really did. I’m sorry, Jinx.”

“Yeah, me too. Thanks for not beating me up too badly, though my ego is kind of bruised.” I give her a small smile so she won’t feel so bad, but I’m fucking tearing up inside.

She laughs and kisses my forehead. “You’ll be okay.” Then she stands, grabs her jacket, and waves. “See ya around, Jinx.”

“Bye.”

As soon as the door closes, I pull the covers over my head, still smelling her perfume and sex.

My eyes leak a little more, but I finally manage to shove it aside, get up, and wash my bedding to erase all traces of Gwen. Then I climb back into bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

The next morning, I take Waffle out for a gallop on the property. She has a ridiculous name, but Aleks insists on naming all the animals after anything sugary. Even the ranch is named ‘Sugar-Sweet Ranch.’ It makes him happy, and that’s all that matters.

My horse, gifted to me by Julien, is a beautiful Palomino with a tan hide and blonde mane. She’s gorgeous and the sweetest horse.

After we moved here, we all learned how to ride horses. I mean, I guess it’s the smart thing to do if you want to raise them.

It’s funny how I used to hate the outdoors or any sort of exercise. Now, I love it. I can’t imagine living in a city ever again.

When I’m on her back, pushing her as fast as she can go through the meadow of dead flowers and grass, I feel fucking free and light. My head clears of all the crap cluttering my brain. It’s one of the few things that brings me joy. That’s Julien’s doing. He pushes us hard to find our happiness. To not succumb to the fear, loneliness, pain, and even worse, fall into apathy. He’s adamant about it.

When I reach my destination, I hop off Waffle and tie her reins loosely around a tree branch. I sit on a boulder and look out over the rushing waters of the river that lines our property and the mountains behind it. This is my favorite spot, especially in late spring, when the surrounding meadow blooms, dotting the long grass like a painting. But we’re in early November, and it’s cold. The first snow is expected next weekend.

Aleks, Julien, and I love winter and snow. We never had either, having lived in LA all our lives. It’s so green in the spring and summer, too. I’d never seen anything so beautiful.

Durango is quiet. Peaceful. It stills my chaotic mind. But not today.

We’ve lived here for about two and a half years. In that time, I’ve dated more than twenty women. All of them ended in failure, and it was all my fault. Every single time. It had to be. Why else would I fail so fucking epically? Even I’m smart enough to see the patterns.

I jump off the boulder, pick up several rocks, and throw them as far as I can. It doesn’t take long for my eyes to grow blurry from tears. Soon, something snaps inside me, and I’m full-on crying, but that’s why I’m out here. To let it all out where no one can see me. It was bad enough that I did it in front of Gwen. Fucking humiliating.

After about an hour, I’m freezing my fucking nuts off but feeling a little better. I jump onto Waffle’s back and head home for a late breakfast.

After my horseback ride, I sit at the kitchen island, poking at my oatmeal. Julien is brewing coffee while Aleks is sautéing onions and bell peppers for their omelets.

The two of them easily maneuver around, being so in tune with each other. Something I’ve never had the pleasure of experiencing. It helps that the kitchen is massive. Hell, the house is massive. We stumbled upon the place while driving through Durango after a two-week road trip through the desert. It was a spontaneous buy, but when you’re Julien Kendrick, a nineteen-year-old trust fund baby and gazillionaire at the time with no future or goals, you can toss around money like it’s water.

No shame here. He deserved every fucking penny after the shit he went through with his stepfather beating and raping him for years, and his mother turning a blind eye to it.

Julien has turned the place into a horse ranch, while we all go to online college. It’s been busy as hell, but I’ve really enjoyed my life here. The mansion-like cabin sits nestled between mountains, a river, meadows, and a huge pond. It’s truly a stunning and special place. Way better than Figueroa Street in LA and the run-down motel we lived in. Hell, anything is better than that.

Julien had been on a suicide run a few years ago and hired Aleks, who was known as Romeo back in his prostitute days, to be his escort. Before the road trip was set to start, Aleks was attacked by our handler, Tito. Julien swept in just in time and killed him to save Aleks. I stumbled onto the scene and helped them clean up. We went on the run, but no running was needed. Police don’t give a shit about dead pimps and human traffickers. One less evil prick, the better the world is.

It didn’t take long for the two of them to fall in love.