Page 1 of Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 1

Jinx

I know it’s coming. There’s a heaviness to it, weighing down your soul. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been through this, but it happens so much that I feel it before it happens. I should be used to the numbness by now.

Her quickly getting dressed while frowning tells me all I need to know. Still, I brace for her words, quickly building walls brick by brick, but I’m not fast enough. My gut whooshes, unable to breathe until realization hits like a sledgehammer.

It feels like it’s coming out of left field, but that’s only me being in denial.

Be real, Jinx. It’s coming from home plate, so it’s not a total surprise. Or shouldn’t be. And that’s the extent of my knowledge of baseball. Or any sport, for that matter.

Well, shit.

Another girlfriend bites the dust.

Someone should make that into a song. I would if I had any musical talent whatsoever.

I lie in bed naked and sweaty from sex as Gwen puts on her bra, the used condom lying on the floor by her feet, taunting me, our sex quickly replaced by tension. Tangled blonde waves spill forward when she snags her underwear from the floor.

“You know, you’re such an asshole,” she says too calmly, pulling up her panties.

It’s taking all I have not to weep like a fucking baby right now. A hardened life from years of abuse doesn’t protect you from a broken heart, apparently.

I rub my fingers, covered in tattoos. I wish I’d never gotten them—a reminder of all I suffered. They seemed cool at the time. Hurt like a sonofabitch. All my efforts to get over my past vanish every time I look at them.

“Jinx!” she snaps, pulling me back to the present.

I close my eyes and sigh. “Look, babe, I’m sorry, okay?”

I’m not even sure what I’m apologizing for. Gwen’s always mad at me over various shit. I keep fucking up somehow.

“You’re always fucking sorry. I’ve put up with your ass for six months now. I forgive you, over and over, but still, you never change. It’s boring, Jinx. I’m fucking bored.”

Ouch.

Is she mad because I said something blunt or offensive? Probably. Before, I’d come to terms with how I am as a person, but now? I keep losing people I care about because I can’t keep my fucking yap shut. I can’t help myself sometimes. I’m not sure I even know how to be delicate and soft.

As I look back on what we said to each other, I don’t think I said anything that would piss her off enough to dump me. Not this time.

She’s leaving you, Jinx. Of course, you fucked up.

It’s not all my fault. I wasn’t exactly raised by loving parents.

I’ve spent almost two years in therapy, having to reflect deeply. It was painful as fuck, and I hated every moment of it. I itched from it. I’ve made a lot of good strides, but I guess it’s not enough. Doc said it’s a coping mechanism or whatever—hurt others before they hurt me. Maybe, but I don’t see it. It’s not like I’m intentionally trying to hurt people. I don’t want her to leave me. Right?

“It’s not that you’re a bad person, Jinx. We just keep having the same argument. Nothing gets resolved. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living like that.”

While I love the ladies, they need gentleness I didn’t expect. That’s just not me, and I fucking tried. Maybe that’s what she’s angry about. Maybe she just needs a good hug. I reach my arms out to her. “Come here. If you want to snuggle, I’ll snuggle.”

Gwen’s pretty green eyes narrow as she zips up her jeans. “Jesus, it’s not just about your fucking lack of affection. I get why you aren’t. You’re smart as fuck, Jinx, but not where it matters.” She pulls her fitted T-shirt over her head. “And you don’t have to speak every single word that filters through that stubborn head of yours. Tact, Jinx. You need fucking tact, and you have zero amount of it.”

My brain tries to recall again what I said to set her off, finally, but I’m drawing blanks. Something tells me if I ask, she’ll get even saltier.

I reach out for her again and wiggle my fingers. “Come on, babe. You know I care about you. You also know the trauma I’ve gone through. It’s no secret. I’ll go back to see my therapist. I promise.”

She rests her hands on her hips. “No, Jinx. I’m done. I shouldn’t have to keep fighting with you about this.” She sits on the edge of the bed and places her hand on my face, sighing. “Look, I get what you’ve been through. That shit… I can’t even fucking imagine. But I need love and kindness. I need someone who’s emotionally intelligent and available. Someone I can connect with. I feel like such an asshole for dumping you because of everything you went through, but I have to think about me, too.”

And there go my fucking eyes. Dammit. It’s fucking triggering. I fall to my knees from the backhand to my face. “Stop fucking crying!” Tito grits. “Fucking baby.” He grips my hair and yanks my head up. “Open up and choke on my cock. That’s the only time I want to see tears.”