Page 78 of Downfall

Despite the wires and tubes, she looks peaceful, her lips soft with the most subtle shade of pink fighting to get through.

“Please wake up, baby. You have to wake up. I’ll do whatever you want. I’ll leave. I’ll sign the divorce papers. You never have to see me again. Just please fucking wake up.”

My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s faded and scratchy. Fresh tears stain my face as I beg her with everything I have and everything I am, but she doesn’t move. Her eyes stay closed. Despite all the prayers, the pleading, the bargaining, she doesn’t wake up.

Memories invade my brain no matter how hard I try to keep them out. This isn’t the end, I think. Memories like this are for the end, and this isn’t the fucking end. But they drift in like a breeze, soft and cool against my face, and they feel so good that I can’t fight them anymore.

Her dark red hair reaches her shoulders, and freckles spill across the bridge of her nose. Her green eyes are the color of spring, like tiny buds breaking through the dirt, giving it life, giving it beauty. I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

“I’m Skylar.”Her voice is musical, soft and rhythmic. It bounces against the trees. “What’s your name?”

“I can’t be your friend, Skylar.”

She looks down at her shoes, then up again at me, a smile breaking through her frown. “Why not?”

“Because I’ll hurt you.”

Her smile grows wider. “How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

She thinks for a moment, her brows crinkling in concentration before they smooth out again. “Let’s be friends anyway. We can watch a movie at my house. You can’t hurt me if we’re watching a movie.”

I don’t understand her logic or why she would even want to be friends with me. She should stick with Ash. He’ll be nice to her. He won’t hurt her. They can be friends or kiss or whatever. As much as I want to be near her, I know I can’t, so I lie.“I don’t watch movies.”

I expect her to pout or roll her eyes like girls my age usually do, but instead she beams, her eyes grow brighter, and light seems to pour out from every inch of her face.

“That’s perfect,” she squeals.“It means you’ll get to experience them all for the first time! I’ll get to watch you watching them, so it will be like my first time too.”

That’s the day her light broke through my darkness. I was only thirteen, but I already held the weight of the world on my shoulders. She didn’t take “no” for an answer, so I watched the movies she picked out, pretending I hadn’t seen any of them so she could experience them for the first time through me. My heart squeezes when I think about what she admitted in the car. I never knew that she had another first that day. We both did. I started messing around with girls younger than I probably should have—but at thirteen I still had never actually kissed anyone. I fell asleep on her couch that afternoon, and she kissed me. I want to tell her that she was my first kiss, too, but she won’t fucking wake up.

Her light is fading, and when it goes out, I’ll be left alone in the dark again.

31

SKYLAR

The beeping comes in waves. Sometimes it’s high-pitched like an oven timer and other times it’s muffled like a lost toy under the cushion of a couch. It’s the same with the light. Sometimes there’s brightness that dances at the edge of my eyelids and other times I’m plunged into a sea of darkness. I don’t know how long this goes on.

Beeping. No beeping.

Light. Dark.

Blurry images.

Flashes of messy hair.

Exhausted words whispered into the still of the room.

Don’t leave me.

Skylar. Please.

I want to open my eyes. I want to tell the voice not to worry. I want to tell the blurry face that it’s okay. I’m still here. I just need some time. But I can’t. The words form and fade away on my tongue before I can get them out. So I give in to the darkness. I let it consume me because it feels easier than chasing the light when I’m so tired. Too tired.

Open your eyes, Firefly.

I know you can. You’re so fucking strong.