Page 66 of Downfall

“No,” I rasp.

She hikes her leg over my hips, her cunt drenching me as she slides along my aching cock. I grab her ass, kneading the soft flesh while she grinds against me.

“I’m on birth control,” she says, looking down at where we’re touching. “I want to feel you without anything between us this time.”

“Then do it, Skylar. Fuck yourself on me.”

She looks ready to obey, but then she hesitates and goes still. “I haven’t had sex in a while,” she admits. “Have you…” She trails off, shaking her head. “You said you couldn’t imagine being with anyone after me.”

“I meant it.”

“But you have. I mean, obviously you’ve been with women since me.”

I shake my head, letting the reality sink in.

“Declan, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying I haven’t been with anyone since you, Skylar.”

“But Ash…”

I sit up further, causing her to fall back slightly. “Do you seriously think it’s okay to have another man’s name in your mouth while I can still feel your bare pussy rubbing up against me?”

“I’m trying to make sense of all this, Declan. It’s been six years. You’re telling me in six years, you haven’t slept with anyone? Gotten a blowjob? A handy?”

I chuckle, taking her hand in mine. “Other than you? No. Doesn’t mean I didn’t try to keep up appearances. I brought dates to parties, always had a girl hanging off me so no one would ask questions, but it never went further than that. I hadn’t even kissed anyone since high school until that day with you in the shower.”

She takes a deep breath, and I’m not expecting her next words to come out on an exhale. “Why not?”

“I told you. After what happened, I couldn’t stand the thought of being with anyone else. I thought it was a phase. That I was punishing myself for what I did to you, but…it wasn’t. The only time I could even get it up was when I was thinking about you.”

The truth is, I’ve always been a sexual person. Left to my own devices, I discovered sexuality at too young an age to know how to handle it. I quickly found out I like to be in control, having someone else at my mercy. Skylar was right, and I’m sure all the rumors were true, but I’m not proud of how I went about it. I didn’t respect the women I slept with—shit, they were just girls back then. After Skylar, I tried to understand the dark urges. I even went to a BDSM club once. I didn’t actively participate, but I learned enough to know that you need complete trust on both sides to wrap your hands around your partner’s throat.

“When you fucked your fist to the thought of me every night?” Skylar’s words interrupt my thoughts, bouncing off the walls in the silent room.

“Yes.”

“Everything you said about not wanting to be tied down in college⁠—”

“Lies. It was all lies, Skylar, but I’m not lying now.”

“How do I know?”

“You don’t.” I let my thumb brush her cheek. “Look, maybe we should wait.” My throbbing dick screams in protest, but I ignore it. I want her to be able to trust me before we take this step, and clearly she needs more time.

“Yeah, okay.” She removes her leg, huffing as she sinks back into the bed next to me. “Guess I ruined the mood.”

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Take the blame for this.” I turn on my side so I’m facing her. “It’s the same as apologizing. You didn’t ruin anything, and you have nothing to be sorry for. I fucked up. I made it impossible for you to ever trust me again.”

“But I want to. I want so badly to trust you. I want to pick up where we left off before…before you…”

“Made you think it meant nothing?” I supply.

“Before you lied to me.”