Page 87 of Dirty Chorus

“Yes! When I met him, he was a completely different person.”

“So I was right when we last talked. You still have feelings for him?”

“No! Can you just hear me out?” I ask.

“Yeah...”

“I did have feelings for him at the very beginning. He’d call me every night around eight, and we’d talk forever about stupid shit. Then we started hanging out. He’d tell me how wonderful and pretty I was. Get me flowers, tell me a song that reminded him of me. Being near him was probably just as good as oxy...”

Noah’s eyes stay fixated on me. The glimmer of the half moon tonight reflects off his irises and a small speck of caramel brown looks at me. He doesn’t say a word. He dips his head to the side as I take a deep breath.

“I went over to his house and caught him watching porn... again, and again, and again... He told me he’d stop watching and jerking to it if I did sexual favors. So I did.”

“Have you ever done anything with another guy besides him?”

“No. I made out with guys all the time, but I thought he would change, so I said yes.”

Noah runs a hand over his chin. “He was manipulating you into thinking he would change if you put out. Sounds like one fucking great dude.”

“Then we started fighting about my rule. I didn’t want to lose my virginity, so he’d remove the tags from the photos I posted of us online, and instead he would post pictures of other girls he was with. He stopped calling me at eight to talk all night. Right after I met you, he got mad at me and kicked me out of his car on the freeway.”

“He did what?” His fists curl around the beer can, and the vein in his neck twitches.

“Well, it gets even better. He told me he was gonna take me out to dinner, so I got all dolled up and I’d waited on the street for over an hour in six-inch heels. I tried so hard to make him happy, but he treated me like shit. Then you, you run away from me, and I’m throwing myself at you all the time. He cheated on several occasions and then I see her flirting with you. Why is it that every fucking guy I like treats me like this?” I stand up out of the water, blubbery and a mess, but he grasps my wrist before I can lung one leg over the edge of the tub.

“I’d be fifteen minutes early every time I’d take you out on a date,” Noah says, and I blink back the tears in my eyes.

“Those are just words.”

“I’d post every god damn picture I take of you.”

“Stop...” I suck in a deep breath.

“I don’t watch porn. The only thing you’ll find in my search history is a rabbit hole of where Yoda came from.”

“You’re stupid. You like Star Wars?” I ask with a chuckle.

“I’m not good at dating. I’m not good with feelings. You’re starting college. I’m finishing up a demo, and it’s right around the corner, a contract, touring. I have fucking feelings for you. I really do, and I don’t let any girls in. I don’t want her, I want you, but if you put this all together, with you starting a new chapter in your life, and still healing from a breakup, do you really think this is something that can work?”

“If you wanted me, you would make it work. None of that would matter, you’d text me, or call me and stay on the phone with me while I study. But you don’t want a relationship with me, you’ve made that very clear.”

“That’s not true in the slightest, I do.”

“Why are you always pushing me away then?” I slink back down into the tub.

“Because I haven’t had it very easy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, I’ve gone to church my whole life, always hearing about The Father, I wondered where the hell mine was. Nothing beats a mother telling you she never wanted you, and that your father never wanted you. I was a product of a one-night stand, not love. I was born a coke baby.” He stares back at the crushed beer can in his hands. “But umm...” He takes a moment, his chest expanding as he closes his eyes, letting it all out through his mouth. “I was ten years old when my mom started coming around more. She was getting clean, so I’d be able to go spend weekends with her... but then she started sleeping all day long. I could never wake her up. I didn’t know what was wrong, so I’d go leave to play with the neighbors and lie to them so I could sleep over. That’s how I got dinner on the weekends when I stayed with her. But it’s fun with CPS getting involved and police hauling your mother off and Gramps telling me she got sick again.”

“She relapsed?”

“Yeah... and I’d go back to my grandparents again. I went back and forth like this for years and then she really tried. She went into a six-month rehab program and got out. She was three months sober, had a job as a secretary, got an apartment, we got furniture for my room... and umm...” His voice strains as he takes another breath. He looks directly at me, his eyes glossy. “I waited outside for her, my bags packed. I sat on the curb for three hours. It started to rain too, and Gramps was fighting with me to come inside. I bawled my eyes out. Just fucking cried like a baby. That night the police came...” He pauses, sucking in a breath. “She was hit by a drunk driver. I fucking ran away. I was fifteen fucking years old.”

“I’m really sorry.” I’m tearing up and have to blink the pain away. It’s lodged in my chest and throat. “I dunno how to respond to that. I can’t even imagine what you went through.”

“This is my life. My Gramps is all I have, and I’m going to lose him too. My band mates are my family. I don’t open up to anyone but them. I’m terrified of having my heart broken, and I’m fucking terrified of you.”