Page 114 of Xander

Jasper had been annoyingly present, flying back every weekend as soon as he was done with his classes. I knew he was worried about me; he had expressed his concerns over how hard I was pushing myself on the ice.

Some days, I spoke to him. Other days, I didn’t have the energy to engage. Even though I’d been treating him like shit, he kept returning every weekend. Apparently, whatever madness he saw in me warranted him turning into my keeper.

“Bye,” I said distractedly, staring at the footage of the hotel Jordan had stayed at. It never occurred to me that she might have gotten hold of Henry’s phone. I had a PI track it, but the phone went dark the night she stayed at this hotel. In a frustrated rage, I drove down there and demanded to check into the same room where she had stayed, and spent the night staring at the ceiling, stroking myself, and imagining that it was her hand touching me as I wondered where the fuck she had gone.

“Dude,” Jasper rasped, staring at my desk. Massive amounts of paperwork were spread on it, anything with information on a blonde woman resembling Jordan’s description. If only I could put all the pieces together… “When was the last time you ate something?” he asked.

I blinked, then took stock of my messy bedroom. There were pillows on the floor to prop up the laptop. The television I had hooked up was playing with the recording from a different angle. My phone was supported by a book on the nightstand. I needed access to all three to check the different angles of this security video.

Despite the optics of it, I wasn’t deranged. There was a perfectly reasonable explanation.

This flow made sense because any of those angles might give me a glimpse of her beautiful face.

But judging by Jasper’s concerned eyes, he disagreed.

“I hired a PI,” I explained. “He told me Jordan was last seen at a hotel parking lot. It seems she stayed there one night, but when I went there yesterday, no one knew where she’d gone, so I ended up spending the night in the room she stayed in. This is all the footage the PI could get me. The parking lot had three cameras set up at different angles, but she walked out of there instead of taking a cab. The streets don’t have cameras, so where could she have gone?”

“What?” Jasper said. “You stayed in her room?”

I barely heard him, mulling over my thoughts. She walked out of the hotel, took a turn on a street without cameras, and simply stopped existing. How? There had been no clues in her room, either.

“Dude, you can’t keep doing this to yourself.” His sad eyes stared at me for so long that I finally caved and glanced at him.

“What do you mean?” The way he was looking at me… I wasn’t crazy—I wasn’t. There had to be a logical answer for where Jordan went.

“You need to get out of this room, Xander,” he started slowly. “Just look around. This isn’t healthy.”

“I have to find her.” My voice broke.

Jasper blew out a breath. “Jesus, dude. What happened between you two?”

Swallowing thickly, I pulled in a shaky breath. “I fucked up so bad,” I admitted.

He nodded, prompting me to continue.

Having drained all my other resources, I had no option but to simply talk. So, I told him of all my sins—the sordid details, all I had done to keep the woman I loved with me.

As I finished, I braced for Jasper’s reaction. I didn’t want him to think I was a monster, but from his clipped tone, he was clearly holding himself back from lashing out at me. “Why did you do those things to her knowing how Henry treated her? How Henry treated Mom?”

“I lost my fucking mind,” I confessed. “I thought she’d leave me at the first chance if I didn’t have leverage on the relationship. But then she ended up leaving me anyways.”

“I-I…” he trailed off as if unsure how to finish. “Do you think she loves you?” he finally asked.

“I think so.” She might hate me, but I think she loved me, too.

I’d never forget her haunted eyes after I saw her again. She was miserable the years we were separated. She was dying on the inside the way I was dying without her.

“I love her,” I added. “I can’t live without her. I’m lost without her, and she’s just gone. I can’t fucking breathe without her, and I can’t find her. I’ve tried. I’ve tried everything. What do I do if she never comes back?” Pain burst through my chest at the thought, and I had to stop talking.

Jasper relented. “Before we even go there, you first need to decide how you’ll stop history from repeating itself.”

“What do you mean?”

“You saw what Henry did to Mom—he ruined her life. That’s why Jordan was fighting you. She didn’t want a repeat of the life she ran away from. Say you find her tomorrow and force her to return, but nothing changes. Then she’ll just find another way to run from you again. It won’t solve anything. You’ll be right back here a year from now.”

His words churned in my head for several moments, and even after he left for New York.

Later that day, I tore up the application for Jordan’s conservatorship and asked my lawyer to appeal to the court that Jordan no longer needed supervision.