Page 105 of Holding On

“I bet a few of you might know the words, but when we get to the last verse, I have a special version for tonight, so if you’ll help me, I’d like to share that version tonight for the first time that’s going to be released as ‘Everything To Me—The Freedom Version.’”

I play the first two thirds of the song easily from muscle memory, hitting my marks as my band and I move around and interact, and I’m a little surprised I feel a few butterflies erupt in my stomach as I prepare to enter the final verse. I shake my head no to the drummer, letting them know I’m not ready, I need another moment to compose myself. Taking another deep breath, I walk back up to the microphone that’s dead center on the catwalk and look right up at my man as I sing the updated lyrics for the first time.

“I'm so proud to claim you for the world to see,

Now that we're together, I think we have everything.

I'm your queen like you're my king.

What we have is forever, your love set me free,

Because baby, you're already everything to me.”

I feel a tear run down my face, but I don’t care, I want the world to know that Jack Callahan is everything to me. He and Wells helped me get free from Rick’s control, but Jack has done so much more than that. Jack never makes me feel like I’m too much, in fact, I don’t know if I could ever be too much for the man, which is a good thing, because I plan on holding on to him for the rest of my life. He is steady, true, and the way the man kisses me makes me forget my own damn name.

He really is everything to me—and I know he would say the same thing about me.

As the crowd goes crazy over my new rendition, I see Jack lift his hands again as he claps, which must mean he liked it too. He’s standing next to my brother and Max is on the other side of Wells, with his arms around Cara, who is next to Cami and Max’s brother, Chase. Cara’s brother Luca and her niece and nephew are there with them too.

These are the people that have carried me through the darkest moments of the last year, and it’s an honor to have them here with me—and for me—tonight.

The suite next to the one Jack and Wells are in is filled with Callahans and Bennetts, who are just as crazy as the Callahans, and dare I say, even louder. I guess everything is bigger in Texas, but after Walker played the role he did that day in the penthouse, I consider anyone he vouches for good in my book, so when he mentioned his nieces in Texas were fans, we insisted they come tonight as well.

The third suite is filled with The Book Club, which I somehow was inducted into in the last few months, even though I’ve never been a huge reader. Savannah changed that though when she showed me to an entire genre of books that I didn’t even know even existed, and when their friend Harlow introduced me to her favorite mafia romances, for the first time in my life, I found myself reading for fun.

It wasn’t something I was ever allowed to explore before—I didn’t have free time for hobbies like reading or even knowing what was out there that I could read. Jack heard my curiosity though and bought me a swanky Kindle, and they did it again.

They pulled me along and expanded my circle, bringing more people into it that I didn’t know I needed, but now, I can’t imagine life without them.

I blow kisses to the suites, to The Book Club members Sophia—who I’ve never even seen in person before tonight, Daphne, Willa and her daughter, Vivian’s best friend Lauren, Savannah’s sassy neighbor Stacy—who I wish would adopt me—and of course, Dahlia. She isn’t an official member of The Book Club yet, but I know how those women work and they will get her to join one way or another. Pippa would be here tonight, but she’s at home with the babies.

Those sweet babies.

Dahlia delivered Fiona’s babies in a textbook delivery, as she likes to explain. Everything went according to Dahlia’s birth plan, and she had an extensive one. She was gracious enough to ask me to be there for her, which I was honored to be, and she also asked Pippa and David to be there, which meant so much to them. What’s funny is that Fiona’s favorite number was always seven—she thought it was the number that was perfect in completion—so when her babies were born on the twenty-seventh day of the seventh month, it felt kismet. It was a beautiful day.

While we will forever miss Fiona, there has been so much joy and beauty to come, not despite, but alongside our grief.

Fiona had planned on naming the babies Fitzgerald and Calliope, so Pippa and David kept those wishes when they named them Calliope Jane Lawrence and Fitzgerald Theodore Lawrence. CJ and Fitz are healthy, adorable, and the family of four is over the moon with joy, if not tired from sleepless nights—exactly as they should be with eight-week-old twins. Pippa and David have consistently referred to Dahlia as the babies’ Auntie, and firmly insist she’s a part of the Lawrence, and by extension, Smith-Harrington family now too.

At one point, my family was really just Wells and Allie, but now? It’s an entire village. My family has grown in ways I never expected—never even dreamed—and I will be forever grateful for each and every person I chose that chose me right back, and that I’m lucky enough to call them mine to love.

CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE

When was the last time I was nervous? Not scared, nervous, like anxious-nervous, as if I’m about to take a big test that I’ve been studying for and need to get a perfect score. The once-common anxious feeling is foreign these days, and it’s almost funny as I realize it’s twisting around my gut right now.

I’m nervous.

I’m also really excited.

The last three months have been a blur. I’m being extremely generous with Jett’s year-end bonus, but the man has earned it. Tinsley has been touring extensively with her Freedom Tour, combined with making up the tour dates from the multiple cancelled shows when she was recovering from everything, both physically and emotionally. I know she was hesitant to have Max do a full press push on the tour, unsure if she would be able to perform like she historically has, but I never doubted my girl. She was focused, dialed in, and for the first time in her career—this tour was hers. She got to have the final say in everything and anything she wanted. If there was something she didn’t care about, Allie made sure it wasn’t on her radar, but when it came to things she wanted input on like outfits and backdrops, band members and tour personnel, opening acts and city selections, she had the loudest and final vote.

It was a magnificent sight to witness. She was always a force, but to see her step into her power and realize the amount of power she truly has? I didn’t think I could be prouder of her, and she continuously knocked me on my ass with impressing me left and right. It was amazing—and I was her loudest cheerleader—even louder than Wells.

Jett has been a miracle worker in making my schedule work around Tinsley’s, and so far, I have made every show but one. Tinsley never asked me to be at every show, but I want to be at every single one that I could be. For the one show in mid-October that I couldn’t attend, I flew as many members of The Book Club that could make it out as a surprise and had them in a suite. Before she went on stage, Allie told her which suite to look to, and sure enough, my sisters, along with Stacy, Lauren, Willa, Harlow, Dahlia, and Cara were all there, pumping their hands over their heads in the now standard move we all do to cheer on our girl. It’s ridiculous and it’s awesome. Allie called me on FaceTime so I watched my girl freak out, and then she saw me on the phone and blew me a kiss before starting her show.

We show up for each other, even when we can’t be there physically. She somehow knows when I need little reminders too. Just the other week, I was dealing with the fallout of another musician making terrible decisions in their personal life and the implosion of their career. I was beyond annoyed with moronic behavior and I was in a foul mood, until Jett knocked on my office door, delivering a tray of chocolate chip cookies from Sprinkles with a note, “Something to sweeten your day. You’ve got this and I’ve got you. Love you. Xoxo Red.” She was on a plane over the Atlantic but still managed to get the closest thing to a smile that I had on my face all day.

Those cookies were what made me realize I was done waiting; I’m not even sure what I was waiting for. There may have been a part of me that was waiting for the trial to be behind me, but if I let that case dictate our lives in any way whatsoever, then Rick still has control.