Page 135 of Choosing Us

“Hey, y’all, come on in!” Savannah waves us in from the kitchen as she washes her hands. “Theo is out manning the grill, the girls are all running around, some of Emily’s friends’ parents are out back, too, but you know the drill.” She dries her hands before walking over to give me a quick hug. “Come on in, relax, and give me that little baby!”

“She’ll need to eat soon,” Ryan tells his sister as he unbuckles Brynne from her car seat.

Savannah waves her brother away. “Yeah, yeah, I know how babies work, Ry. I’ll give her back to her mama then, I promise.”

“We brought some milk,” I add. “I pumped earlier.”

Savannah sees my disappointed face and tilts her head for me to follow her away from the crowd. We step into Theo’s office, and she closes the door behind me.

“What did the lactation consultant say?”

“She just can’t get a proper latch, so we are still supplementing, but honestly, I don’t see how I can keep up with all of it, especially once I go back to work.”

“Do you know the old saying?”

“Breast is best?”

“Psssh. Not that old bullshit. No. Fed is best. You know this, honey. You just have to let go of that mama guilt. Brynne is perfect, and all you need to do is love her the best you can. That does not mean depleting yourself with insane pumping schedules to just get a few ounces a day. It’s stealing your joy, honey.”

An exasperated sigh escapes me. “I hate pumping so much, but I just want what’s best for her.”

“And that’s what she’s getting. You and Ryan are the best for her, and she was made to be your baby. Can you honestly tell me which of my babies were breastfed and which were formula?”

I slowly blink at her as I try to guess. Olivia, Emily, and Lucy are all great kids with their own individual gifts and abilities, but nothing that stands out enough to make me think that having breastmilk gave one of them an advantage over their sisters. “No, I really can’t.”

“Exactly. You can’t tell which one I needed to use formula to supplement my supply, which one was exclusively fed breastmilk, and which one was exclusively formula after four weeks—and no, that’s not the order it happened either.” She shrugs. “And if I could go back in time, I’d tell myself to give my damn self a lot more grace because it is hard enough figuring out motherhood without adding more stress to ourselves.”

Brynne lets out a little whimper and starts rooting around. A tell-tale sign that my sleeping beauty is about to become a hungry bear.

“You can still bond over feeding time, even if it’s from a bottle. Come on, let’s get your girl fed.”

Savannah helps me get settled in a cozy chair on their deck where I can watch the kids all play. Ryan brings Lumi to me, and she settles at my feet. It may not be ideal to have a puppy and newborn at the same time, but Lumi will be one next month and is the sweetest soul. Her name means light in Finnish, and she is definitely the warm and cozy kind, with the prettiest ivory fur.

We also think she assumes Brynne is her baby and will let us know if we miss a single squeak.

Not that we would. Brynne is very loved and held more often than not.

Between her big cousins, multiple aunts, uncles, Grandpa Murphy, and adopted family, there are a lot of people that love our baby.

And I love that for her—and us—so much.

Rocking her on their back porch, I soak in the scene of orchestrated chaos before me. When they built this house, Theo and Savannah wanted it to be the place where their kids and friends wanted to hang out, so they added enough amenities that their home may qualify as a social club. Kids are running throughout the backyard, playing on the basketball court, making s’mores by the fire pit, but most of them are in the pool, taking turns on the water slide that winds through the rock landscaping.

“We may be birthday twins, but girlfriend has me beat in the hair department,” Theo says as he gently touches Brynne’s hair. “Seriously, she has the coolest hair I’ve seen on a baby in a very long time.”

Her hair is not tame, it tends to stick out in every which direction, and I actually wonder if it will end up being curly as it grows out. What we initially thought was dark brown hair is actually jet black, and it’s definitely the feature we get comments on about the most.

That, and how little she is. Brynne was barely six pounds at birth, but at only five-four, I didn’t expect to have a long baby either. She’s perfect to us, no matter how tall or short she ends up being.

For today, I just want her to be little.

The evening goes by quickly, and Ryan ensures that I barely lift a finger the entire time. Brynne lets us know when she’s had enough of the commotion, and we are soon saying goodbyes and loading Ryan’s SUV for the very quick trip down the road to our house.

Brynne gets changed and fed again, before we get her situated in the bassinet on our covered deck, with Lumi curled up next to it on the floor. Ryan’s favorite spot in the house quickly became mine as well, and we spend as much time out here as weather allows.

Humming along with the song playing over the speakers, I double check her swaddle as Ryan joins me, carrying a tray of snacks and beverages. He sets the tray down, but instead of walking over to the rocking chairs, he extends his hand to me.

“Hey, Lo, will you do me the honor of dancing with me?” His grin makes his dimple pop in his right cheek, and I don’t think I could ever say no to that smile.