Page 66 of Hope and Hot Chocolate on Mistletoe Lane

‘Why did you do that?’ he asked, looking surprised.

‘I thought I must have done something wrong! That I wasn’t good enough of a daughter! That this was my punishment. I blamed Mum too. Thought if she’d been better, you would have stayed. It felt like she’d forced you to go. I was horrible to her.’ Hot tears burned at the back of my eyes as I remembered being a furious teenager taking it all out on my mum.

‘It wasn’t anything to do with either of you,’ he said. ‘I had to get away. Nicola was my reason to go. But I didn’t really love her, and she soon realised she didn’t really love me. It had been fun but now we had a baby and a new place to settle in. Her parents bought us this house. They have money. She always thought that had been part of the reason I’d proposed to her. But I did that because of the baby. We tried to make it work here but she was unhappy and I guess I realised maybe Birchbrook hadn’t been the problem after all.’ He leaned back on the stool. ‘In the end, she found out I was seeing someone in the village and walked out of here for good. Her parents let me keep this house in return for Nicola having the kids and for me not asking for any more money. I kept it for this view.’

I stared at him. I had blamed myself and my mum for years. But he’d done to his second wife exactly what he had done to my mum. He’d let his kids leave him like he had left me. He hadn’t wanted either of his families in the end. He was clearly a man that would never be content or satisfied with what he had.

‘I thought I was like you,’ I whispered then. I’d run away like he had and had beaten myself up for it for ten years. But I left for completely different reasons. I left because I was reminded of him and our previously happy family life everywhere, and because I was scared that I would one day resent Birchbrook and everyone in it like he had. But he’d just admitted it wasn’t the town’s fault after all. It was just whatever was inside of him.

I’d left because I was scared that if I stayed, Paul would leave me, or I’d hurt Paul the same way my dad had hurt my mum.

‘Did you ever love Mum?’ I asked. He’d admitted Nicola had been his escape clause, that he had never really fallen for her.

‘I don’t think so. Maybe it’s not in my nature to fall in love like they talk about in books or movies or songs.’ He shrugged. ‘We had good times. And I had fun being your dad. I liked making you laugh. And it’s nice when Alice and Rory come to stay. But day-after-day parenting is hard work and it’s exhausting. I feel more like myself when I’m here alone. Maybe family life just never fulfilled me like it does some people.’

‘So, you only really love yourself,’ I said harshly but it felt fair after what he was telling me.

He reached out for my hand but I pulled it away. ‘I know I fucked up, Holly. I was a bad husband and a bad father. Twice over. I think I am better off by myself. I think maybe that was the kindest thing I did for you and your mother – to leave you alone so you could be happy without me.’

‘Kindest thing? It was selfish. You are selfish.’ I scooted down from the stool, realising I didn’t want to stay here and listen to his pathetic justifications for ruining two families when I could be with people I genuinely loved and who genuinely loved me back. ‘But you’ve helped me see that I’m not like you. Leaving Birchbrook ten years ago killed me. And being back there has healed the broken part of me I’ve been trying to ignore ever since I walked away. I thought I didn’t deserve a family life. I was scared to open my heart in case I was left again like you left me. I don’t feel like that now. I deserve to love and be loved, and I won’t let what you did hurt me any more or stop me from having the future I want to have.’

‘It was nice to see you,’ he said lamely, after my impassioned speech. ‘If you ever fancy another coffee again, you know where I am.’

‘I do,’ I replied, sure that was unlikely to happen. I took one last look at him and his house then I walked out.

I took a deep breath when I hit the outside air. The salty breeze just reminded me how far away I was from Birchbrook and how keen I was to go back. The feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I let go of the past? It would always be there, it had shaped me into who I was, but I let it drift out to sea.

I turned and walked over to Georgia’s car, vowing to myself that the past would no longer hold me back.

43

PAUL

I gazed out at Birch Tree Farm. It was covered in snow like a blanket had been draped across the land. The snow had finally stopped falling now that we’d hit late afternoon. The sky was so grey that with the sun starting to set, it already looked close to night-time. The twinkling lights of Mistletoe Lane and the surrounding festivities though brightened up the scenery.

I leaned against my van, already exhausted from the day. All round me, there was a hive of activity. People had started to arrive to enjoy the winter wonderland now that we’d cleared the drive so they could get to us. We’d all worked hard clearing the snow off the driveway and main paths and the car park along with the trail from the tunnels out to the ice rink and my van. Everyone had pitched in. And thanks to the borrowed battery from Elliot, everything had started working again.

I’d handed out free cups of hot chocolate to everyone who came to help clear the snow plus the first visitors of the day, which had gone down a treat, and now I was heading back inside the van to serve visitors. Willow had been worried there would be cancellations but she’d posted on social media that the farm was open and was particularly magical, and luckily, lots of people decided they wanted the extra-special festive vibes of snow and were still coming along.

Willow walked over as I started putting out the gingerbread muffins I’d made early this morning onto the side of the hatch for people to see. The van quickly smelled of gingerbread.

‘I just heard from Karl,’ Willow said, leaning in. ‘Oh, you have fairy lights,’ she said as I switched them on. I’d draped them across the side of the van over the sign that read Birchbrook Café. She raised an eyebrow. ‘What’s come over you this Christmas?’

‘What do you mean?’ I asked, switching on the coffee machine.

‘You’re just part of things in a way I haven’t seen you be before. It’s nice, Paul,’ she said with sincerity.

I paused to look at her.

‘I kind of always thought you seemed down on being in Birchbrook, like you felt stuck here or something, but that feels like it’s changed.’

‘Maybe I thought about leaving before but I’ve realised this is where I belong,’ I replied, deciding to be honest with her. She had become a good friend through the years even though I hadn’t realised it until this moment. I respected the hell out of how she’d turned the farm’s fortunes around the past couple of years. I wanted to make a success of the café in the same way.

‘Good,’ she said with a satisfied nod. ‘Anyway, I distracted myself… Karl from the newspaper said Holly has been in touch so I thought you’d want to know.’

I immediately snapped to attention even though I tried to hide it.

‘Holly recorded her old boss admitting everything – that he made a pass at her and was so pissed she turned him down, he lied about her embezzling money to ruin her company. Not only that, he’s been taking money himself! She told his assistant and the Board of Directors and sent it to Karl. He’s spoken to someone at The Star Chronicle about doing an article about it as it’s not really a local newspaper thing. Karl is going to co-write it, think it might be a big break for him although hopefully, he’ll still write for our paper. How good is that?’ Willow said at her usual full speed.