Page 59 of Hope and Hot Chocolate on Mistletoe Lane

‘I don’t know, Hols,’ he said, quieter now, his anger fizzling away. He looked hurt. I hated to see it, to be the cause of it. ‘It’s your life to live. But I wish you’d live it with me.’

God, that sentence sucker-punched me. I didn’t think I’d ever forget it for my whole life. How could I walk away from this, but also, how could I stay?

‘Paul, I need some time,’ I said, my voice breaking. The tears flowed down my cheeks now. I longed to let him hold me but I had to get out of here and think about what I wanted to do next. ‘I need to go back to the city and think about everything. Is that okay?’

He looked away. ‘I’ll see you, Holly.’

I took in a sharp breath. That’s what he’d said to me when I’d left ten years ago. He was saying it to me again.

I knew I’d break if I stayed any longer so I hurried past him. He wouldn’t look at me. I left his flat, and went down the stairs, rushing through the café, fumbling the lock until I could get out into the cold morning. I looked up in surprise as gentle snowflakes fell down, settling on my shoulders.

I could see Paul at the window of his apartment looking down at me. I wanted to go back to him but I knew I wasn’t the woman he needed right now. I had to decide what I wanted. It wasn’t fair to him otherwise.

And so I walked away, hating myself for it. I’d said it was time to stop running but was I doing it again?

The snowflakes had no answer but I walked through them towards Birch Tree Farm and I couldn’t help but hope that Paul would wait for me.

38

PAUL

Holly had slipped through my fingers again. I think I’d known the instant I woke up yesterday morning – alone – that the spell between us had broken. Lying with her in front of my fire had felt so damn good, like we were in a perfect bubble together.

The problem was, a bubble always pops.

‘She asked for a gingerbread latte.’

‘Huh?’ I looked over at my mum, then at the drink I’d made – a hot chocolate. Holly’s hot chocolate. ‘Fuck,’ I mumbled as I hurriedly started to make the customer, Mrs Taylor, her latte instead.

Mum waited for me to make the drink and take it over to Mrs Taylor’s table and return behind the counter. Then she folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Spill it.’

‘Spill what?’ I asked, pulling my phone out of my pocket for the twentieth time to check even though it was set to loud. No new notifications. I’d heard nothing from Holly since she left my flat yesterday morning. Our argument seemed to come out of nowhere but I should have known it would happen when she didn’t respond to my invitation to the Christmas tree-lighting ceremony. She had agreed to stay the night but no longer. Maybe she already had one foot out of the door. She’d asked for time. Maybe there was hope. I had no idea.

All I knew was my apartment had felt more like a home than it ever had when Holly was in it.

‘You’re so distracted. And I know Holly stayed the night,’ Mum said. When I stared at her, she shrugged. ‘You know what this town is like. Someone saw you both go in, someone saw Holly leave the next morning, everyone has put two and two together, love. Never mind that, what happened? She hasn’t been in the café since.’

I groaned. ‘This is what I don’t like about Birchbrook: the bloody gossip!’

‘People just want to see you happy. And I thought you were but today…’

‘I don’t know. Holly left. She asked for time but what if she disappears for another ten years?’ I’d kept so much to myself for so long but I couldn’t help it today; it all came pouring out. Because Holly had changed everything and now I didn’t know what I’d do if I lost her again. This time, I knew it would be for good.

‘It sounds like she needs to sort things out. I saw you both together – it was like the old days but somehow, it felt more than that. You have this bond that is very special.’

‘How can it be special if she can just walk away from it?’

‘I saw how much pain she was in after her father left; I think it’s made her unsure who to trust, even her own feelings.’

I nodded. I knew Holly wasn’t sure she could rely on me, worried I’d let her down like her father had done. I also knew she couldn’t have pretended that well the night we spent together. She’d snuggled into my arms like she never wanted to leave them. Karl’s phone call had undone all that. It had made her think that she’d never save her business, that she needed to run again. She couldn’t accept any of the options I gave her.

‘I wanted to help her but she wouldn’t let me.’

‘Maybe she needs to help herself.’

Mum left me then as a customer called her over. I leaned on the counter, digesting what she’d said. I’d tried to save the day by suggesting I tackle this dick old boss of hers, telling her she should be with me but maybe Mum was right – Holly had to make these choices for herself now. She’d left me and this town ten years ago and I had let her go because I knew it was something she needed to do. I regretted not trying to stop her but maybe I was never supposed to do that. Maybe we needed these years apart to become the people we were now. Maybe I had to let her go again and hope she felt the same way that I did, and that she would come back to me.

If you love someone, let them go.