Page 27 of Hope and Hot Chocolate on Mistletoe Lane

Paul let go of my jumper and I dropped my arms. We were both breathless as the storm raged outside.

‘Fuck,’ Paul said finally, leaning back to look at me like he was in the middle of a dream. Lightning lit up his eyes, dark with want, and the small smile on his lips.

I wanted to smile back but I was too stunned. My pulse pounded in my neck and my body throbbed with desire. My lips were tingling from his lips and my chin felt like it was red from his beard. I was dizzy with confusion at how our bodies had reacted to one another like they had. Another clap of thunder shook me further from my trance. I let my legs loosen from his waist. Paul took an automatic step back from me. He opened his mouth to say something but I couldn’t hear whatever it was. I had come back to earth with a sudden thud. Panic had replaced desire instantly.

I hopped off the counter and Paul made no move to stop me, his eyes on me as I jumped down onto the floor.

‘I can’t,’ I said and I stepped away from him towards the door. ‘I can’t do this,’ I repeated.

‘Don’t…’ Paul slumped against the counter but I didn’t wait for him to finish his sentence.

Instead, like the coward I had been ten years ago, and still was now, I yanked the café door open. The bloody bell jangled like it had no idea the pain that was flowing through my body, and I dived out into the storm, not caring how wet I would get outside or how the hell I’d make it back to the farm in this storm; I just needed distance from the best damn kiss of my life.

20

PAUL

I stared after Holly as she ran off into the dark night, the storm still raging out there, as fierce as how suddenly it had appeared once we had got out of the car. I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how we’d ended up kissing like we couldn’t get enough of each other but it had felt so good until she had ended it so abruptly. I hated to think of her out there in the dark.

It took me a moment to compose myself, before I pulled my phone out and called her. She didn’t answer and worry overtook the feeling of rejection. I couldn’t go to sleep while she was alone in the storm so I left the café again and jumped into my car. Thankfully, the rain had slowed down a little bit. The thunder and lightning appeared to have moved away towards the other side of town as I drove in the direction of the farm, looking for Holly.

With relief, I spotted her, walking along the road, hugging her jacket around herself, head down in the rain. She was walking the opposite way to the farm. I turned my car around, pulled over and lowered the window. ‘Let me drive you back; you can’t be out here like this.’

‘I’m fine!’

‘This isn’t about us. You’ll catch your death out here. Plus, you’re going the wrong way!’

That stopped her in her tracks. She looked up and around in confusion. ‘Fuck!’

‘Get in, come on, please, Hols.’

She hesitated but with an irritated sigh, she climbed into the car and I drove us in the right direction towards Birch Tree Farm. I turned up the heat as she shivered beside me. I didn’t say anything. I had no idea what the hell I would even say.

After ten years of wondering what if, I’d finally kissed her. Eighteen-year-old me was ecstatic but twenty-eight-year-old me was confused. She had kissed me back with such enthusiasm after admitting she had liked me as more than a friend, something I had longed to hear. But then she’d fled like it was the biggest mistake of her life. I had no idea what to think. It had felt so good then it had all gone completely wrong.

It had been so unlike me to make such a sudden move but her telling me she had liked me had made it impossible not to.

‘I’m sorry,’ I said as I turned into Birch Tree Farm. ‘Actually, no.’

She turned from the window in surprise.

‘I’m not sorry. I have wanted to kiss you for so damn long.’ I parked up outside the farmhouse. Rain was still coming down in thick sheets and I could barely make the house out through the windscreen but I kept looking at it, not daring to meet Holly’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry if you don’t feel the same though and if you’re pissed off at me, or upset with me, I’d never want that but that was the best kiss of my life.’

There was a long silence. All I could hear were her shallow breaths and the rain bouncing off the car roof. I finally turned to look at her. She wiped a tear that had rolled down her cheek.

‘Shit, Holly what’s wrong?’ The thought that I’d made her cry was unbearable. I reached out to touch her cheek but then sharply pulled back in case she didn’t want that.

‘I ran away from this,’ she broke out finally. ‘I’m sorry, Paul. I can’t. Let’s just pretend this never happened, okay?’ She yanked open the car door. ‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated before getting out of the car, closing the door and running through the rain again, this time inside the farmhouse, closing the door on me. And any possibility of us.

All the same feelings I’d had ten years crashed over me like a second storm. I started up the car and drove too fast out of the farm, desperate to get away from her rejection. She had left me once and now it felt like she had left me all over again. She didn’t even want to consider kissing me again. She had confirmed my worst fears – she had left Birchbrook to get away from me and that’s why she had broken off contact and not returned. I wasn’t good enough for her and I never would be.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing on my bedside table. I groaned and rolled onto my back. It felt like it was still dark outside and I could still hear the rain coming down. I didn’t want to get out of bed. My phone started ringing again. I looked at the time. It was 8 a.m. I had tossed and turned most of the night replaying that kiss with Holly until I’d finally passed out and now I was being woken up far too early. It was Sunday. The café was closed. Who was bothering me at this time?

Annoyed, I reached for my phone without checking who was calling. ‘What?’ I grumbled, taking my feelings out on whoever it was on the line.

‘Paul, it’s Mary. I was just walking to my flower shop to do some paperwork and I passed the café… It looks like part of the ceiling has fallen in, from the storm maybe… I’m sorry to call you so early but…’