Page 10 of Written In Flesh

Skully

SOMEHOW, I MANAGE to make it to my bathroom before the entire contents of my stomach empty into the toilet bowl. My chest heaves. My arm feels like it’s on fire, the skin throbbing where my scar is etched into my skin. I clasp it in my free hand, holding pressure to stop the burn. When my body has nothing left to give, I finally collapse on the floor as my mind spins. I’m clammy and weak. The remnants of the dream that sent me into a tailspin are now faint in my memory, but the fear remains.

A flash of silver.

Gold Eyes.

Fire.

Pain and betrayal.

Then, choking on water. Burning in my lungs because I couldn’t breathe. I was going to die in the waves, and they were so cold. I was reaching for someone or something…

My eyes slam shut against the piercing white light when I try to remember more. Almost as if a wall slams up and I’m pushed out, and I’m gasping for air again. Lying my cheek on the cold tiles, I concentrate on breathing in and exhaling to clear my mind and calm my body. I can hear the antique clock ticking from the living room. Aunt Loreli doesn’t wake up, and for that I am thankful. She’ll think I’m sick and try to make me stay home, or worse, she’ll find out the secret I’ve been keeping from her for two weeks now.

My memories are there, but they’re stuck. And every time I try to force it or dream about it, I usually end up here. It hasn’t happened every night, but enough that I secretly fear going to sleep. It all started that day on the sidewalk when I met Azriel, Az, now, because I think we’re friends. I must not have scared him too badly anyway, since he waits for me most nights after night school and either walks me to the hospital or rides the bus home with me. He’s the only other person I’ve opened up to besides my aunt since moving to California. I don’t know what it is about him, but I want to tell him my life story, and he hasn’t judged me for it. He’s only curious. He doesn’t give me advice; he just listens. I feel comfortable around him, and when we are together, the worry and the unrest in my veins calm. He’s literally my hero. Saving me from my thoughts on most nights when I’m dreading having to start the day all over again.

I don’t know how long I lie on the bathroom floor, letting my heartbeat settle, but I don’t move until the first rays of sun start to slide under the curtain, casting light across the room. Slowly, I peel myself off the tiles, grimacing at the way my skin feels clammy. My legs are unsteady, and my hands grip the sink to pull myself up. My whole body is shaking while I breathe shallowly. This has been the worst of the dreams, and I can’t even remember everything about it now. Tears spring to my eyes, and I slam them shut, refusing to feel weak.

It takes all my energy to turn the shower on, hot water blasting against my aching back. Somehow I wash my hair and my body, letting the water run over me, taking the terrible night’s sleep with it. I can’t keep going on this way, but I don’t even know how to begin to tell Loreli. My dreams don’t make sense. The memories that hover and twist my mind are still so far out of reach. Sometimes I wonder if it’s better just not to remember at all. If this is how it feels, why would I want that back? My hand runs over the scar again. Something bad happened, I’m sure of it. There is no other explanation I can think of, and even if what they are saying is true, if I did this to myself, I must have been miserable. And living in River Falls, I can only imagine I was as far away from my true self as I could be. Maybe this is a reflection of what it was like, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Tears slide down my cheeks and blend in with the cooling water. By now I don’t even know how long I’ve been in here.

Once I’m out of the shower and dressed, Loreli has already left for work, so I don’t have to avoid her. Pulling on some leggings and a t-shirt, I slowly make my way downstairs and head to the kitchen, where I grab the largest coffee cup I can find and fill it to the brim. Like usual, I skip breakfast, grabbing a banana for later and my backpack before heading to the bus in time to catch my morning classes. With a new resolve, I pull out my phone and text Az.

ME: New plan. How do you feel about hitting up the movies after my last class?

AZ: Who is this?

ME: [rolling eye emoji] Come on, Hero, aren’t you the one always telling me to live a little? I’m too young to be so serious, remember?

AZ: Hero huh? That sounds smart, and like something I would totally say.

ME: So movies? And yes, you’re my hero. Saving a freaking out girl with that charming smile gives you a rep.

AZ: I can work with that. And, I’ll do you one better, S. Just meet me at our spot after your last class.

I smile and send him a thumbs-up emoji right as the city bus pulls up to the curb where my stop is. I don’t even mind the hot Cali sun today as I make my way into the building. I need to stop living in a past I don’t remember. My body doesn’t want me to. My mind refuses to. I’m ready to take Az’s advice and let go a little. Finish night school, go to college, be normal. Maybe my memories will come back, or maybe they won’t. Regardless, tonight, I’m going to live a little.

I spot Azriel as soon as I exit the building, waiting for me by the bus stop. His black board shorts and ocean blue hoodie give him the relaxed surfer vibe. His hair is in a knot on his head, and electric purple Vans are on his feet. He’s relaxed and solid. As if sensing my gaze, he turns and smiles when I approach.

“How was class?”

My shoulders lift, and I sigh. “Same old. They cram my brain full for the whole day, and I take a test at the end of the week. Sometimes I wonder if I am better off just taking the GED.”

We start walking, and Azriel cocks his head to the side, studying me. “I thought the whole point of this program was so that your diploma could be from River Falls and open all the doors for you for college?”

I scoff. “Yeah. That’s why I wanted it initially. Lately, it just doesn’t appeal to me.”

“What does appeal to you? Did you remember something?” Azriel asks, his fingers gently touching my arm.

I shake my head. “No. I don’t know. Being free of the past, I guess. I need to move on, accept my memory loss for what it is. Live in the now.”

Azriel nods his head as he agrees with me, and we fall into step beside each other. “So if the fancy diploma isn’t needed, what do you want to do when you graduate?”

A laugh bubbles from my chest, and I turn to him. “I have no idea. College, I guess. Nothing huge, maybe community college. I don’t want to stress Loreli out. I was thinking of taking some photography classes.”

Finally, he takes my hand in his, holding it tight like he knows I need the support. “I think the world is vast and open. You can make your future however you want it.”

I smile, feeling the tension in my chest ease so that I can breathe. “This is why you’re my hero.” Azriel throws his head back laughing before turning his purple eyes back to my brown ones.