Page 84 of Derivation

“What phone?” Violet asked.

“I didn’t trade in my old phone when I got a new one. I still have the phone I had in Amsterdam. I told myself that I kept it because it had our entire friendship on it from that year. It has our whole group chat. I didn’t want to lose that, and phones didn’t just carry everything over back then like they do now.”

“You kept it because of her messages, too, didn’t you?” Arlowe asked.

Sarai nodded.

“I get it. I kept my phone as well. I still have our group chat.”

“Eline?” Sarai asked.

Arlowe nodded this time.

“But you and Eline were together for months. You two were in love. I just had one weekend with this somewhat shy, smart, beautiful, funny person, and I didn’t think it was the same as what the two of you had.”

“It never is,” Violet told her. “Do you think what Stella and I have is what Arlowe and Eline had? It’s not. I love Stella with my whole heart. I want a life with her. Arlowe loved Eline with her whole heart and wanted the same. Our situations are totally different, though. I met Stella and kind of hated her immediately. Now, we can look back and think that maybe it was some sexual tension and some misunderstandings, but that is how we met. Arlowe and Eline met and fell in love pretty much at first sight.”

“I know that, but I’m scared, Vi,” she replied. “I don’t know why. I feel like I’m always scared. The few relationships I’ve had have ended primarily because of me; because I spent too much time at work. And, at work, I wasn’t even doing a good enough job to make us money, so I just failed at both things.”

“You’ve never failed us, Sarai,” Violet said.

“She’s right,” Arlowe agreed. “You put way too much pressure on yourself.”

“We have to make money to stick around, and I was put in charge of sales and marketing, so…”

“Sarai, we’ve hardly ever had a marketing budget. And being in charge of sales was never your goal, either. You only did it because we didn’t have anyone else,” Violet reminded. “We’re where we need to be now, though. Things are looking up, and we have a budget. We need your next great idea.”

“And we know you have them because you always do. You just erase them from the board because you doubt yourself too much,” Enya said. “Stop that, by the way.”

Sarai chuckled and said, “Like it’s that easy.”

“You know what is easy, though? Telling that woman you like that you want to go out with her.”

“That’s actually really hard, Arlowe.”

“It’s not. Answer me this: do you see Gabi as a person you could end up with?”

“We haven’t even–”

“My God! Just answer the damn question.”

Sarai nodded and replied, “I think so.”

“Then, you have to go for it, unless you really want to be like me. Do you want to be too scared to look up the one that got away online because, at least right now, she’s a Schrödinger’s cat?”

“What?” Sarai asked.

“She’s both married to the love of her life and single, pining away for me at the same time, until I find her profile and check to see if she is actually married to the love of her life,” Arlowe explained. “I’m so scared of a relationship because I can’t see one comparing to what I had with her, so I just don’t have them. I know it’s stupid. I know there could be another woman out there for me who could be the love of my life. I know that what I felt for Eline might have been in passing or not meant to last forever. I still can’t shake it, though. So, what I’m saying is… there’s a woman who lives in this house. She’s here, Sarai. You liked her then. You still like her now, and she’s here. You can keep being afraid of all the things you’ve talked about in your life, or you can start taking some damn risks. Not just with Gabi, but with work, too. Some might not work out, yeah, but I guarantee you that some will. And I don’t know what the future holds for you and Gabi, but I do know that you’re risking nothing by asking her out because she’s going to say yes. I know you’ve been sad lately because you like her and you think you can’t be with her, but you can, Sarai. She’s here. She wants you. Don’t– Just don’t fuck this up for yourself because you’re scared; that’s all I’m saying.”

“I like her for you,” Enya said. “She makes you get off the swing.”

“What?”

“I noticed it, too,” Violet added. “Gabi makes you trust yourself more. You need that, Sarai. I know you have an idea for a launch campaign for the next version of the app. I saw it on the board. Then, it wasn’t there anymore.”

“Yeah, it just said, ‘Influencer,’ after that,” Arlowe said.

“She wrote that,” Sarai shared with a smile.