Page 88 of End Game

“It’s a date,” I say, super casually, and her eyes widen. No. Oh, no. She’s not into it. She’s horrified by the idea of a date with me. “I mean, not a—not a date. I just meant… It’s a plan.”

Her smile now is a little forced. “Yeah. It’s a plan.”

Tucker coughs. I glare at him and he narrows his eyes at me. Miles shoves a piece of bacon into his mouth.

The last time I used that phrase—it’s a date—she didn’t blink twice. Now she’s freaking the fuck out. It doesn’t give me a lot of confidence in her supposed feelings for me.

It’s a welcome distraction when Wes, Amir, and Greg join us and the attention shifts off of me and my humiliation. Diana is quiet beside me, focusing on her oatmeal. I’m almost afraid to talk to her for risk of everything blowing up further.

“I should get to class,” she finally says.

“I’ll walk you,” I offer.

“Don’t be silly. Your first class is on the complete opposite side of campus from the dietetics building.”

Which… is true. I just want to spend some time with her, hopefully without all of my idiot roommates listening in.

“Well, another time, then,” I tell her, and her smile is tentative.

“Yeah. Another time.”

She practically bolts across the dining hall, eager to get away from me.

“Dude, you are so fucked,” Amir says.

“How do you mean?” He’s not wrong.

Wes rolls his eyes. “Does she know you’re in love with her?”

I sigh. “So it’s that obvious?”

Greg laughs. “Yeah, man, it’s pretty fucking obvious. I think the only person who doesn’t know is her.”

When we board the bus for our trip to U-Conn, it’s been two days since I’ve seen Diana in person. She leaves in about two hours for her trip to South Carolina, so I know she’s still local and in town. She’s just avoiding me.

As I settle into my seat, I pull out my phone and send her a quick text. Have a safe flight, Dee. I’ll see you when we both get back.

Her read receipts are on. She’s seen the message. She doesn’t reply.

I don’t know where to go from here.

Miles is across the aisle from me, texting with Sam. Tucker is messaging Mason. Even Amir is texting with the new field hockey girl he met last weekend at the No Parents Party, and Greg is absorbed in his phone, too. Only Wes isn’t on his phone—he has a book to distract him.

As much as I want a relationship, I want Diana more. My best friend is my favorite person in the world, and I want to celebrate that. I want to take our friendship further than it is now. I want to build a future with her that is more than pure friendship: I want to build a life with her.

And she doesn’t feel the same. She’s looking for a one night stand or a friend with benefits. I’m not built for that, not with her. With other women, yeah, I’ve managed that in the past. But Diana is different. She means more to me than a meaningless fling I’m never going to see again. I’m going to see her again, and I’m going to want to have her again and again.

I don’t want just one night: I want forever with her.

She’s not interested in me. I have to accept that. I don’t know how to deal with this ache inside of me. I’ve made some subtle moves to hint at wanting more and she’s been oblivious or ignored all of them.

It’s a terrible feeling to be in love with someone who will never return those feelings. It’s even worse when that person is your best friend.

She means more to me than Dougie or the guys or even my parents. She’s the one who’s been there for me for the last fourteen years, since we were innocent kids trying to figure our lives out. Now, we’re twenty-two and about to take the world by storm, and I’m still trying to figure my life out.

There’s no way I can move on from her. There’s no way I’m ever going to want anyone else. So I’m going to have to find ways to get her to see the virtue in a relationship with me—while acknowledging this could be the most emotionally trying year of her life. Between our impending graduation, her dad’s impending deterioration, and all of the impending change… yeah, it’s a lot to deal with.

Throwing a wrench into our friendship is just another challenge for her. Living together, being roommates… I don’t see how this possibly works. She wants a one night stand, and I want forever with her. There’s no magic way this works out for both of us to get what we want.