Page 53 of End Game

I don’t care that my roommate and captain is upset. I don’t care that my living situation is sure to get awkward. I’ve spent too many years tiptoeing the line to give a shit. After almost a month on campus, I’m finally starting to make friends. Emma invited me to sit next to her on the bus, I sat beside Zoe on the plane, and then Mischa, the freshman, on the bus to our hotel.

So what if I got a slow start in winning over my teammates? So what if I was distracted by Johanna and her minions in the first few weeks? We’re putting the pieces together now. I don’t care that we live in different houses; we’re all part of the same team, and that’s what matters.

This trip, I’m assigned to room with Kristin, who is… fine. She’s personable enough, and she’s never been overtly mean to me. She likes to keep the hotel room cold, like I do, and she turns in early, but she claims not to be distracted by lights or noises, so she doesn’t care if I stay up and watch TV or something.

I’m wired. I can’t sleep. I have the weirdest itch to call Barrett, but I’m not sure what to say. I’m sorry I fell asleep in your bed last night? I don’t regret it. Normally I never sleep well when there’s a partner in my bed, but with Barrett, I feel more well rested than I have in… days. Weeks.

Maybe because he’s a partner in the most pure sense, a compatriot in sleeping. He holds me, but he doesn’t smother me. He lets me cuddle. I’ve never felt comfortable cuddling with any of the past partners who have shared my bed.

Even though Barrett and I have never done anything remotely like this before, it’s not weird. Instead it feels oddly right. Comforting without being comfortable.

I roll over in my starchy hotel room bed and stare blankly at my phone. I have this inexplicable urge to talk to him. I’m not sure why. This morning, we were together, and it wasn’t nearly this awkward. It wasn’t awkward at all, except when he started flirting with Mack. I wasn’t a fan of that. She’s too young for him. Then again, I don’t think he has any interest in her; he’s said twice that he considers her like a kid sister.

The idea of Barrett dating sets my teeth on edge. I’m not entirely sure why. He’s entitled to be happy. He’s allowed to go out with women. He’s single and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change anytime soon. Why shouldn’t he date? Why shouldn’t he hook up? So it didn’t work out with Johanna; there are plenty of other women out there who would be interested in him. He’s gorgeous, he’s actually a decent guy, he’s smart, and his family is loaded.

It’s not like he would ever date me; that’s simply out of the question. His parents would never approve, and there is absolutely no way I would ever pass their intense scrutiny. They barely like that we’re friends; they definitely would not appreciate us turning into more. No, we’re not going to happen. He deserves a chance to be happy.

I’m broadening my social horizons; it’s only natural for him to do so, too. He hasn’t mentioned anyone in awhile. As far as I can tell, he hasn’t hooked up with anyone since the start of the semester. He’s probably overdue to get laid.

A chill runs up my spine. I don’t like the idea of Barrett going out and getting laid, either. I’m not territorial. I just don’t like it. He’s mine.

I recognize that it’s not healthy to feel so strongly about a man I have no real ties to. We’re friends. That’s all we’ve ever been, and that’s all we’ll ever be. We work so well as friends, I wouldn’t ever want to jeopardize what we have.

Even though I have Barrett, even though the girls and I are finally starting to get along, I’m still lonely. I’m surrounded by people, most of whom I would consider my friends now, and I’ve never felt so alone. Even when I first got to USC as a freshman, knowing nobody, it didn’t feel like this.

I can’t depend on Barrett and his friends for all of my social interaction. No matter how much I like them, I need to branch out and make my own support system. Though there are a few girls from past teams that I keep up with, by and by, I’ve let most of them fall by the wayside over the last few years.

When I’m done with school, when I’m on my own, I won’t have anyone to rely on. At the end of the day, it’s just me, myself, and I. If I want to have friends later on, I have to start the process of finding them now. I can’t count on them still being here next year.

My finger hovers over Barrett’s contact before I sigh and close my phone screen. It’s late. I don’t want to bother him.

The phone buzzes and lights up with a text from the very guy I want to talk to.

Ate a peanut butter sandwich and rocky road ice cream for dinner tonight, Barrett tells me.

And you don’t even need an epi-pen, I fire back.

He replies in half a second. You know I’d never do it if you were here.

I do. And I appreciate that, more than I can ever tell him. He takes my allergies as seriously as I do. Nobody, not even my parents, cares as much as he does.

How was it?

Meh. I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would, he writes. A pause. I would rather have you here.

I’d rather be there, too.

We’ll go to dinner when you get back.

I have a psych mixer thing tomorrow.

Drinks? After?

You’ll meet me at the bar at 9?

He doesn’t like to go out drinking on weeknights. Weekends, sure, he’s down to party. Barrett cares enough about his grades that he doesn’t drink during the week—or the night before a game, unlike some of the football players I knew back at USC, who got drunk at every available opportunity.

I like that Barrett is so committed to school. Yeah, he might have a job post graduation because of nepotism, but he’s putting in the work now to be qualified and worthy for more than just his last name.