Page 100 of Blitz

I’m painfully aware of the guys behind me. Miles and Sam are up in his room—I can hear the rhythmic thumping of his headboard against the wall, her muffled moans. Greg is out with a girl from the gymnastics team he’s been casually seeing. Amir, Barrett, and Wes are watching a zombie robot movie.

I swallow and head towards the stairs without comment. Mason scurries to follow me. I open the door to my room and gesture her inside.

She sets the food down on my desk and turns to face me. She links her pinkies together and tugs, putting pressure on her wrists. She only does that when she’s nervous, a habit she picked up from her brother. I hate that I know that about her.

“You wanted to talk,” I tell her roughly. My heart catches in my throat. “So, talk.”

“Okay.” She takes a deep breath. “I think we should renegotiate.”

My eyebrows go up. “What is this, a relationship or a business deal?”

“We’ll treat it like whatever we need to in order to work this out,” she says. She perches on my desk. “I can admit that I have problems being vulnerable after sex. I’m aware. I’m working on it.”

Crossing my arms over my chest, I lean against the door and study her. “And what are you doing?”

“I’m going to start journaling,” she announces. I roll my eyes. “If I can’t get more comfortable, I’m open to seeing a sex-positive therapist, but—”

“I’m seeing someone.”

She chokes. “Like—you’re—”

“A therapist,” I amend quickly. “I’m not dating anyone else, no. I started seeing a therapist. He’s cool.”

“That’s good,” she says. She presses a hand to her chest. “I hope that helps.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“What are you… I mean, do you want to…”

“I need a little extra help right now,” I tell her. “I never got over you. I need to this time.”

“Or you could not.” She pushes off the desk, a sultry half-smile on her face. “We could—”

“You’re doing it again. Right now. You’re trying to manipulate me with sex.” I shake my head. “We can’t.”

“I love you, Tucker,” she says quietly.

“Sometimes that’s not enough.”

“I didn’t realize how much my drinking was affecting you. I can—well, I won’t stop entirely, but I can agree to dial it back.”

“Don’t do anything on my account.”

She swallows. “I want to. I want to count on your being in my life. I don’t want that to end.”

“Mason…”

“No. I know that I messed up. I know that I should have talked to you more. But there’s no magic reason why my head is fucked up when it comes to sex. I wasn’t traumatized. I wasn’t assaulted. I just can’t deal with it sometimes. That doesn’t mean I want to stop having sex with you. It just means that sometimes I need some space. I don’t always want to cuddle. I don’t always want to be touched. I just need some space.”

“You can have your space,” I tell her. “You can have all the space you want.”

Her laugh is bitter. “I don’t want space from you right now.”

I throw my hands up in the air. “Well, fuck, Mason, that clears that up.”

“I want to be with you,” she tells me. “I want to spend my life with you. And, yes, sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes your feelings are too heavy for me. That doesn’t make them wrong. I’m working through it on my end. But you can’t keep hiding away.”

“I don’t hide.”