Page 23 of Meet Cute

“Well, I—”

“Mom. What are you saying?”

“They just want to help you.” My mom’s voice trembles, she was always so good at playing the victim. “They can fix you. Get rid of this… this evil… Please, Duncan. We want our baby boy back.”

The thin wire that I’d been clinging to finally snaps. “I’m right here!” Even though my voice breaks midsentence I don’t let up so easily. “You could have me if you really wanted. But you don’t. You don’t.” Tears stream down my cheeks, and for a moment I really am back to being a useless teenager hiding who he is. “You don’t want me. You don’t love me. You don’t even care about me!”

“That’s not true! We’re doing this because we care!”

The scream I let out makes Chalupa stop licking himself. “No you don’t! How can you sit there and say that to me after what you did?! Do you not realize I have spent every day since Thanksgiving wanting to kill myself? Life would be easier without me in it, would it not?!”

“We didn’t do anything to you! You did this all to yourself when you decided a path of sin was the path you wanted to take!”

“You’re seriously getting angry at me right now? It's the time for family and I’ll be all alone. You took everything I had. I don’t have anything else.” When I think of Haley—or even Finn—that statement feels like kind of a lie.

My mom scoffs. “You have nothing because… Because—!” All the fight in her voice dies down nearly instantaneously. “Because it’s what you asked for. You want to live in a delusion? Go ahead, Duncan. Just remember it’s what you chose.”

The call ends with a prolonged beep.

My living room doesn’t even feel comforting anymore. The hollow feeling in my stomach feels horrible. What do I have if not my family? Nothing is important when it comes to me. I’m a waste of air that takes up space, aren’t I? Because I’m so disgusting?

I really should just die.

Finn!! :)

I made it to work on time! Thank you for the sweatshirt. It’s very warm, and it smells like you!^^

I don’t care. I don’t care at all. He could’ve crashed and died and it wouldn’t have mattered. Nothing matters. Without replying to such a useless text I throw my phone on the couch.

Every muscle in my body feels dead. My brain wants to freak out and lose my shit, but the rest of me isn’t cooperating. The slow walk to my bedroom feels horrifying, and when the door opens I’m a stranger in my own space.

Just going to my bed makes me feel like some kind of shadow. The world could come to an end tomorrow and I don’t think I’d give two shits, which seems so unlike me. Everyone always said I was empathetic and caring, yet now I’m feeling the exact opposite about myself.

No one cares about me, so why should I care about them? God, what am I even thinking? That’s so selfish. I hate this. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Silent tears stream down my cheeks as I stare blankly at the ceiling. Nothing matters. Nothing matters, and I’m going to kill myself. I’m going to finally do what I should’ve done years ago.

When I’m dead I won’t have to worry about any of this. Shutting my eyes, all I see is a dark void of total nothingness. Trying to picture reasons to live doesn’t yield any results at all. Haley will be fine. Finn is… I don’t know what Finn is. He’d probably be okay.

But I’m not going to be. All that medication I never took that’s sitting peacefully in a cabinet is finally going to be useful. For once, I’m going to decide what I do with my life.

And what I’ve decided is to end it.

EIGHTEEN

I swear it takes more than one hand to count how many times the sun has gone down and come back up. My last couple of days have been waking up, feeding Chalupa, and laying in bed trying to feel something by watching old childhood movies.

They’re more of a distraction than anything, because when it gets quiet and all I can hear is the howl of the wind… my thoughts turn ugly. Uglier than they’ve ever been.

Doesn’t help that my phone won’t shut up. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. I don’t care. Haley’s been texting. Finn’s being texting. Fuck, even Sandra’s been texting. It doesn’t matter. They’ll all forget about me in due time.

My thumbs hover over the screen as I stare at the empty notes app in front of me. This is such a joke. How do I have nothing important to say when they could very well be my last words?

Slowly, I type out one word: sorry. Because in spite of the fact my parents have been nothing but cruel to me, I’m sorry. Sorry I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be. Sorry I couldn’t fix myself. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry to Haley that I’m a horrible person, too. She deserves someone better than an asshole who ignores her to spend time with a guy he barely knows. She would never do that to me. Never.

Where did I go so horribly wrong? The past two weeks have been a plane crash that I’ve been unable to stop, and now I’m not even being dignified with a watery grave. I'm smashing against the concrete in a horrible mess of fire and smoke.