Page 73 of Walk the Line

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. It was just…once at first.” She’s delivering her words quickly but I try my hardest to keep up. “And it didn’t seem like a big deal because it’s Uni and everyone does it. I know with Hockey that makes things a bit different, but still. Before the season began we always got told about drug tests, so it was easy to make sure I passed them all.” She lets out a deep breath. “I should have stopped when the season began, especially with the drug tests being random, I know I should have but I didn’t. I just worked harder to make sure I would pass them whenever they came.” She pauses. “And when the first one happened and I knew I got away with it, I continued doing it and doing it and doing it, every single day, thinking that I’ll accept the consequences if I get caught…but I haven’t been. Instead, my performance has been so shit and I’ve cost us so many goals because I’m too high to fucking pay enough attention to what’s happening in each game.”

Kaylah studies her for a moment. “You mean you’ve been…I don’t want to assume anything here.”

“Weed. Just weed, but still weed. It’s not about what it is. It’s about the fact that it’s…more than ten times a day and it’s affecting me in a way that’s not good for me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry because I’m bringing the team down, I know I am. But university can be so fucking hard,” she cries. “And it’s just so nice to feel lighter. But I know it’s no excuse because Hockey is everything to me and I’ve ruined it all now.”

“You haven’t ruined it all.”

“I have. Everyone’s gonna know now and Coach is gonna kick me off the team and it makes sense. I hate doing things that are stupid and I should deal with it, I should deal with my actions but I can’t.”

“Can you tell me what you mean by you can’t?”

“I just can’t. I feel like…I don’t know. Like I want to punish myself because I deserve it.”

“You don’t deserve to punish yourself.”

“It just feels like everyone has it so together and then there’s me, struggling like this every day.”

“Well, it might look like that but it’s not true at all.” When Sierra throws her an unconvinced look, Kaylah lets out a dry laugh. “I’m serious. I mean, I’m the perfect example of that. I don’t know if anyone would think that I have it together but that couldn’t be further from the truth.” She makes her telltale sign of nervousness by scratching her forehead. “I was kicked out of my last university for pushing a Professor because he thought it was appropriate to use the fact that I was failing the module due to my depression and anxiety, to request that I give him sexual favours so he can adjust my grades. He didn’t report it as a push and no one cared enough to listen.” My heart beats quickly as I replay her words in my mind. “Not even my Mother, who’s rich enough to shut everyone up about it and then get me to repay what I owe her by having awkward phone conversations with her twice a month in which I feel her disappointment towards me with every word.” She shakes her head. “I’m here now, with an intense inability to hold a conversation so everyone already thinks I’m rude, but me being Captain is clearly doing me no favours either because no one thinks I deserve to be here.

“I was expelled after the first four months of university and then had the opportunity when I applied here to complete several first year assignments so they could assess whether I’m able to make my way into second year. I worked hard to be here, this was not a favour from my Mum who wishes I would do anything but Hockey for my life, and it sucks to spend every day feeling so alone and not feeling like I’m even actively a part of my own life most of the time, but it’s at least better than being where I was.” Sierra watches her, a look of incredulity in her eyes as Kaylah puts her hand over hers. “The point is that you’re not alone and you’re not failing at life or whatever you’re thinking right now. Everyone makes mistakes and if there’s one thing I get, it’s the pressures of University and I’m not gonna judge you for whatever you’ve done to make it a little lighter. What comes first in this is your health and your happiness and I think we should focus on that now, so you can be in a good place like you deserve to be.”

Sierra opens her mouth to respond at the same moment Coach makes his way over to them.

I don’t even know when he got up here.

“Kaylah. Can I talk to her?” he says.

“Yeah. Sorry, I kind of took over.”

“Don’t be sorry, that was very good.”

Sierra speaks as Kaylah moves to stand. “Kaylah…I’m sorry. I haven’t been nice to you.”

Kaylah smiles at her. “Don’t worry about that. I hope we can catch up soon and you’re doing better.”

The whole team is up here, which I’m not sure Kaylah was aware of judging by the alarmed look on her face when she finally turns around and spots us. Now that I know she struggles with anxiety, I’m thinking that this isn’t an ideal moment for her, so I try to intercept her to get the other eyes off of her.

“Kaylah…” I begin, not even knowing my destination.

“I need to go…” she says.

“Okay, but um…I heard Tamarah say something about a text she received about Sierra’s secret. It’s definitely relevant because I’ve been getting texts about you getting expelled.” How has there been so much shit going on that texts like this haven’t even been made into a big deal?

“From an unknown number?”

“Yeah. I don’t know how they do it but I think it’s through an app.”

She nods. “Yeah, I’ve had ones about you too.”

My ears perk up. “What about me?”

“They seem to want you off the team. And they think the way to do that is by bringing up your dad.”

This is fucking weird.

“You never said anything,” I probe.

“That would be a very personal topic, no?”