Page 70 of Walk the Line

“There are also university counsellors I’m sure you could reach out to.” Her tone is soft. Kind.

“I might not be staying here for that much longer to do that.”

“What do you mean?”

“I might drop out,” I admit.

“Is that what you want to do?”

“Not really, but…I’m not fitting in,” I say, expecting to leave it there. But there’s something about the way she leans forward with a caring look in her eyes that has me continuing with, “Which sounds like a stupid reason to drop out, but in all honesty, Hockey is more important to me than my Sociology course and I love Sociology. I’m fine not speaking much with people on my course, but then I get to Hockey Practice where I usually feel in my element, but instead everyone hates me so I just feel like I’m taking up space where I shouldn’t be.”

“What makes you feel like they hate you?”

“They don’t want to get to know me, and they’ve made it clear that they’re not happy with me being one of the Captains. I get it because I’m new and maybe I haven’t proven myself, but…”

“I thought Julius said this was a new team?”

“It is.”

“So has anyone really proven themselves?”

I ponder over her question, meaning it when I say, “I don’t know.”

She nods. “Have you ever felt like you’re taking up space before?”

“Maybe.”

“Does that happen often?”

“I guess. But I um…struggle with depression and anxiety so sometimes it’s just me overthinking.”

“Does anyone know this?”

“No, but I don’t want to like…be sympathised with but not respected.”

She nods again. “It just might help them to understand you a bit more.”

I consider it, but one conclusion instantly comes to my mind. “That’s…that’s hard to open up about.”

“I get it.”

“But it could help,” I add. “I’m not as bubbly as a lot of people on the team. I’m just naturally not that way and I don’t think it helps that I say things with a monotone voice and expressionless face.”

“Julius is exactly the same. How’s your relationship with him now? I know you had a rough start.”

It doesn’t sound like there’s an underlying question in her words, which I’m grateful for.

All of this is awkward enough as it is without her knowing about what her son and I get up to.

“Yeah, it’s…better now,” I say simply. “We have to be better unless we look like jokes as Captains.”

She looks satisfied to hear that. “I remember being at university, and it definitely can be hard when you don’t have an outgoing personality. But the one good thing about your position is that you’ve found something that you love in Hockey and you should never let anyone take your passion away from you. I understand the overthinking can take over as well, but it’s important you know you’re never taking up space or being in anyone’s way,” she says, and I can’t help but think this is a call back to what I said when I was about to leave the kitchen earlier on. “The space is there for a reason, and especially as a Black woman, you deserve to be in that space and never let anyone tell you anything different.

“You don’t have to tell anyone anything you’re not comfortable with or do anything that’s too far out of your comfort zone, but university is a great time to learn more about who you are and how you show up in the world. It’s also a great time to experiment, try different things out, take risks that might be harder to take when you’re an adult in the real world.” I catch a breath at the sincerity of her voice. “I think the most important thing is to find what makes you happy and comfortable. It can be hard to adjust to new situations when you’re managing both depression and anxiety, so I would also encourage you to seek out more support if you wish, in whichever form may be best for you,” she says. “But most importantly, don’t give up. Because you belong here as much as anyone does, and any space you find yourself in is yours for the taking.”

“Thank you.” I say earnestly. My mind goes back to the antidepressants I need to change and say, “I’m going to consider my options for how to manage this better.”

I’m not against trying out another one, or maybe even doing this therapy thing properly.