Page 161 of Ghost Ribbon

The episodes came at night and I would wake up gasping.

Alexei would feel me start to gasp before the gasp was fully formed, would be sitting up before I was fully awake, would have his hands on me before I had finished realizing what was happening.

He would give me the medications and then he would hold me.

While I was shaking.

While I was crying.

While the pain ripped through my chest in waves that I couldn’t breathe through and couldn’t think through.

He always held me with his hand in my hair, on my back. “Shush,” he would say. “It’s okay. I’m here. I’m here. I’m here.”

He was always controlled and he always kept me calm.

But I could feel how hard he was shaking against me.

He was terrified.

He was holding me and telling me it was okay, but he was terrified.

And I could feel it.

Every time.

I would eventually relax when the pain subsided.

Not because the pain went away - it never fully went away, just receded - but because his arms around me helped me forget it. I’d just melt against him and it would be better.

I would close my eyes.

He would keep holding me.

And eventually, I would sleep.

And he would not.

Now the doctor was just confirming what we already knew.

We were in his office and I could barely hear what was being said.

“I really advise you get admitted to the hospital. Your heart is getting weaker day by day. The episodes are becoming more frequent. The medication is no longer sufficient to manage the symptoms in an outpatient setting. You need continuous monitoring. You need to be somewhere that intervention can happen immediately if another crisis occurs.”

He looked at Alexei. “I really advise it,” he repeated. “Strongly.”

I tightened my arm around Alexei and shook my head wildly. “No. No. I’m not….I won’t…no.”

Alexei caressed my head and whispered, “It’s okay. Calm down.”

Then he looked at the doctor and his voice changed. “He will stay with me.”

The doctor opened his mouth to argue, but Alexei didn’t let him. “You, however, better work fast and hard to find me that heart.”

“It doesn’t work that way. Finding a match is hard. It’s not something that can be rushed—”

Alexei kept talking. I think he was threatening him now, but I stopped listening.

I wanted to go home.