Page 149 of Ghost Ribbon

Please.

I don’t want to die here.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay,” I said again, softer. “I’ll take you home. Alright?”

“Take a deep breath for me, don’t cry, okay? I’ll take you home.”

I held him and rocked him, whispered promises into his hair that I had no right to make and no power to keep.

I would take him home and hold him and count his heartbeats and fight for every single one, and if the universe tried to take him from me I would drag it down and demand it to give him back.

“I’ll take you home.”

Chapter 34.5 - Rei

My best friend was sick and I didn’t know.

I never pushed.

That was the devastating failure that I kept coming back to. I saw the tiredness and thought he’s anxious. I saw the weight loss and thought he’s not eating enough. I saw the way he pressed his hand to his chest sometimes - and I thought he’ll tell me when he feels safe enough.

I thought that if I was patient enough, if I was gentle enough, if I gave him enough space and enough nonjudgmental presence, he would eventually trust me with whatever it was that was making him smaller.

I was wrong.

And now he was lying on a hospital bed.

And as I stood beside him, my tears wouldn’t stop falling.

I didn’t want to be seen crying.

I didn’t want to be crying at all.

But I couldn’t fucking stop.

He looked at me. His face was pale. More pale than I had ever seen it - and I had seen him pale many times, had noticed it and filed it away and not pushed and not asked and not done the one thing I should have done, which was grab him by the shoulders and say what is wrong with you, Marco, tell me, tell me right now, I’m not leaving until you tell me.

“Rei,” he said. “Please don’t cry.” His voice was thin.

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I wiped and wiped and wiped and the tears kept coming.

I was the last to enter after Alexei.

I wanted to go in after Marco’s parents but apparently Marco had been calling for Alexei.

Like a chant.

That was another thing I didn’t know.

When had they gotten close? Why didn’t I pay enough attention?

I slowly sat down and grabbed his hand. His skin was so cold. I held it in both of mine, trying to warm it, trying to give it something, trying to - I didn’t know what. To be there. To be present. To do the one thing I had always tried to do, which was be the person Marco could lean on.

Even if I hadn’t been.

Even if I failed.