Page 8 of How We Loved

26th September

Uni has restarted and I’ve been trying to go to lectures, but I’m not going to lie, it’s getting hard. Then today, well, it just all got too much. I don’t know if it’s because of this extra amniotic fluid but this baby feels like I’ve carrying around fifteen bowling balls. Everything hurts.

Ben has been driving me around everywhere. That’s all he seems to do, and it’s lovely and caring, and cute of him and all that, but surely it must be boring the life out of him? He should be working on new material for a solo album, not ferrying me around because my feet and ankles hurt so much.

There’s another issue to having my own personal chauffeur in the form of Be, and that’s the fact that while going back to uni, heavily pregnant, was just as painful as I thought it was going to be, it might not be because I’m the size of a galleon and sailing around the place in tent-like maternity dresses.

No.

It’s painful because on campus, I am officially the woman Benjamin Chambers, the hottest man to ever walk the earth (according to one Fresher), left his famous band for and proposed to at the Ball. Now it seems that I am public property too.

One drama student even put her hands on the bump and told me with mystical allure that my baby was going to be the chosen one. Professor Johnson, my favourite lecturer, saved me from that one by ushering me along the history corridor and into the safety of his office, where he eyed me over the half-moons of his spectacles and said, “Wow, Lilah. You really are quite the size.”

Bloody charming.

I’m blaming Ben; he’s been feeding me too much. I think he’s actually bored milling about the flat all day, but because he proclaimed when he came back that he was going to have time off from song writing to focus on me and the baby, he feels he can’t take himself off with the Gibson and just chill the hell out. So instead, he’s spending his time trying to turn himself into the next Jamie Oliver and driving me around the place.

The annoying bloody thing is that he probably will be the next Jamie Oliver. The next thing we all will know is that Ben is winning Masterchef because he’s just so bloody good at everything.

Obviously, I’m in a foul mood and Ben is bearing the unfortunate brunt of it. I just really thought I was going to get more time at uni before I had to give up. Everything feels like it’s happening too quick, and I can’t stop it.

Meredith came over to cheer me up, and I got a chance to catch up with her properly – for about half an hour before I was so tired, I had to have a nap. She thinks the home birth is a good idea, so I decided to sell the idea to Ben, painting a visual of soft lights and candles, relaxing spa music, and me just gently easing my pride possession out into the world. Yep, a home birth.

Ben hated the idea. He’s got visions of me squatting down in the bath, only to split my arse and the baby dropping out onto the bathroom floor.

Meredith and Tristan are being reclusive and all lovey dovey so I couldn’t even get her back to help me argue my case.

What if the baby does split my arse and fall out onto the bathroom floor? What if my arse is never the same again.

Oh God, what about my vagina? What happens to that? Why have I left it so late to worry about everything?

27th September

As I’m not going to campus, and I’ve only got two small assignments to write for the modules I need to complete before I’m on a break (easy peasy, plenty of time), I’ve asked Ben to drive me into Putney so I can see Baz at the shop. I’ve been neglecting him and my little blooming business idea I had to save his music shop. I’ve been too busy growing a blooming baby bump instead. It will do me some good to have some time doing something I enjoy. It’s either that or start organizing an emergency hospital bag, and as I’m focusing on a home birth now, I don’t want to allow any negativity to filter into my positive thoughts so I’m leaving it to the last minute.

Later

Ben was reluctant but drove me anyway. Bless. I think he planned to use the time to buy the new Audi he’s got his heart set on. I caught him booking a test drive for it, but he ended up staying at the shop instead, drinking Bud with Baz.

I’ve just realized how funny that sounds, Buds with Baz.

How many years have I been drinking in that shop and I’ve never put it together before?

I think Baz was excited we were popping in, not that he needs help with running the place anymore. The business has gone crazy, and he’s taken on two full-time members of staff, both of whom can actually play the instruments, which of course I never could. Personally, I think he’s aiming too high.

They’ll never drink Bud with him like I did.

Anyway, he’d got some alcohol-free beers in for me, so he must have been excited, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him they tasted of cat’s piss and I’m pretty sure were brewed from cat’s piss.

“Not long then,” he said, eyeing the bump.

Ben started backing away. Things can get a bit explosive when people mention the size.

“I know. It’s a funny shape too, isn’t it? Stupid baby won’t turn.”

Baz’s eyes widened in alarm. “Are they telling you to have a c-section?”

“Say what now?” I asked.