Page 41 of How We Loved

January

Shit. That’s basically what my life involves now.

Shit and sick.

We are officially through the babymoon phase, and now it’s endless nappies.

Shite and puke.

That’s my life.

Just as well she’s cute.

Writing this for posterity: baby formula makes baby shit three times the size of breastmilk. The breastfeeding all went off plan after Christmas. I couldn’t get the supply chain right, and when Ben found me crying and pumping milk at three in the morning, he called it. I was just grateful for someone else to make the decision for me. I was so scared of failing I let it tangle me up until I wasn’t seeing sense anymore.

Ben is writing—thank God. He’s been going into the shop a lot and playing around in there, getting Baz to help him with ideas. I think he’s missing the band, but he’s never going to admit that to me. I’ve been thinking about when I’m going to go back to Uni. Can I do it and look after Hope?

Beth and Meredith are hardly at lessons, which makes me think we could probably manage. But it’s the lack of sleep.

Good god.

The lack of sleep.

Hope likes to cry from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. It’s soul-breaking. Every morning I wake up and wonder how I’m going to make it through the day, but then somehow I do, then the next morning I start the whole thing all over again. And that’s with me having Ben on hand at home, and my brother and sister-in-law downstairs.

It’s weird thinking of Meredith as a sister now. I mean, she’s always been as close as that. But now it’s official. I was so pregnant and fed up around the time of their wedding that it didn’t really sink in that she is now officially my sister. Forever. Unless Tristan messes it up.

In his new role as Ben’s manager, he’s getting a proper large attitude. She might dump him for that alone.

Right that’s my update. I think I’ve covered everything. Shite. Puke. No Sleep. Yep, that does it.

Oh, Hope smiles now. Mum tried to tell me it’s wind. It’s not. It’s a proper smile.

I’ll give her wind.

I might write in this diary again in 2026. If I’m lucky