Page 39 of How We Loved

“Lilah.” His lips sought mine, catching them and claiming them. “Don’t talk crap.”

We practically ran back to the hotel.

'Downstairs' is fine. Fully serviceable.

Then we lay in bed for a while. “Is it weird that I miss her so much?” I said.

“No. I miss her.” We lapsed back into silence.

“Is it bad that I really fancy a cigarette now?” he said. I sat up and crossed my legs, pulling the blankets and sheets around me.

“No, have one, then I can enjoy your second-hand smoke.”

“Really? I’d feel guilty. I’m a dad now; I promised to give up.”

“She’s not here; she’ll never know. I’ll take it to the grave with me.”

So maybe I wanted a cigarette too, but I knew I wouldn’t have one. I’d come too far to turn back now. Doesn’t mean I couldn’t avidly watch Ben smoke.

“I’ll have to go and get some.”

“Go, go.”

He leapt out of bed. “Stay right there.”

“I won’t move a muscle.” I didn’t. I stayed put until he came back into the room, stripping off down to his boxers as he crossed the small green space. “Sorry, got bloody stopped and took photographs.”

I snorted a laugh and clapped my hands. “At some point soon, you’re going to have to realise your baseball cap doesn’t have Clark Kent superpowers and give it up.”

Ben pulled a face; this was the perfect way to get into the conversation we had to have. I patted the bed, encouraging him to come back after he’d opened the window. “So did you like your notebooks?” I asked – yep… subtle as a sledgehammer, that’s me.

“I did.” His smile turned knowing. “Any reason you bought me five?”

“Well, you know…”

“Know what?”

“Just in case you had some ideas.” His blue eyes met my gaze, their piercing intensity breath-stealing.

“Is this what the night away is about?”

I scooted myself over the bed. “I’m worried about you.”

He sighed.

“Am I right to be worried?” I prompted once he’d been silent for a while. Ben shook his head, dropping his hands. “Ben, talk to me.” I wasn’t above begging him. It was beginning to seem that if we didn’t resolve whatever the issue might be before we left the room, we might never solve it.

“I.” He breathed out a long breath. “I just never thought it would be like this.” Lifting his face, he shot me a beautiful and almost heartbreakingly rueful smile.

“Like what?” I whispered, frozen, barely daring to breathe as all my old monsters reared their grotesque heads and teased in my ear that he was going to change his mind about me.

This was going to be it…

I heard them though, and then I tuned them out. I am now officially over anything they might want to share.

“Like I could find something that was more important than music. But then I met you, and I kept fighting it. No one can say I didn’t give it a fair shot; I almost lost you in the process.”

“But you didn’t.” I reached for his hand and gave a squeeze. “You are allowed to want things for yourself. We’re a partnership, a family.”