Page 33 of How We Loved

Haven’t got to the shops. I put Hope back in her car seat when Ben text me: ETA ten minutes. Be ready.

So I was.

Then Hope shit all the way up her back.

Ben came home to find us in the shower together. We were both crying.

Now I can’t stop crying.

Later

Things have calmed down. Ben took Hope and gave her some of the expressed milk I’d pumped for emergencies. He then insisted I run a bath and have half an hour to myself.

Half an hour seems a long time now. I remember when it used to feel like a flash. Oh look, Eastenders has finished, the chicken nuggets must be cooked in the oven.

Now half an hour is like............. Endless.

I got out the bath feeling better though. I’ve even blow dried my hair.

We are going to attempt the shops again. We have to get some presents no matter how much Hope doesn’t like the car.

Newsflash

She likes the car! We drove up the Upper Richmond Road, planning to hook a right at the main lights to go to the centre when I realised something. “Can you hear that?” I asked Ben.

“What?” He shot me a quizzical look from the driver’s side.

“She’s not crying.”

He cocked his head. “Is she gurgling?”

“I think so. Let me check she’s breathing properly. Don’t crash.” I unclipped my seatbelt and turned around in the car, twisting over my seat and peering into the car seat, around the hood we’d left up to block the chance of an unexpected December ray of sun blinding our precious baby in the face. She was awake. Sucking her dummy. Awake and not crying.

“She’s awake,” I whispered.

“Oh, Fucking hell,” Ben breathed under his breath. “Is it bad I’m sweating just because we’ve got her in the car?”

I let out a low laugh - low not because I was trying to sound breathy and sexy, but because I didn’t want to set off the baby siren again. “Believe me, that shower wasn’t all about the shit explosion.”

“Bluewater?” Ben turned and waggled his eyebrows.

“Portsmouth?”

He grinned, and I grinned, and for the first time in weeks, something felt almost close to normal.

“It’s hard, isn’t it?” I whispered, almost scared to express the thought out loud.

“Yeah.” He smiled then, one of his perfect rock star grins. “I think it’s supposed to be, Lil?”

I reached for his hand on the gear stick and gave a squeeze. “ I know. I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ve got an idea.”

He drove us to the drive-thru Costa on the A3 and got us steaming lattes. We then drove all the way to Portsmouth and Gunwharf Keys shopping centre.

Shame we’d forgotten to put the buggy in the boot of the car.

Lucky, I had the baby sling Mum had brought for us.