Page 30 of How We Loved

We have a name! Hurrah! We are decent parents after all and have given our baby a name.

I came up with it. Ben was still sleeping and I was sitting there staring at them both, then my mind started to wander to when Ben wasn’t here and I had this awful feeling I wouldn’t see him again. It seems such a ridiculous thought now that he’s here, but at the time the worry was real. Then I remembered the way the baby made me feel like everything would be okay, one way or the other. She gave me hope.

I told Ben, of course; I cried, my emotions are like a runaway train at the moment.

Hope Isla Chambers.

My daughter.

Thank fuck this all happened before Juanita arrived. God knows what she would have thought if we hadn’t named the baby, especially as the first time we met she said I was one of ‘those’ mothers. i.e. one who doesn’t know she’s pregnant for the first eight weeks or so.

She’s come around to us now though I think.

She checked my stitches... could have lived without that. She says everything is fine ‘down there.’ I’ll take her word for it. There is no way I’m looking down there - I bet it looks like a doner kebab. Ben and I may never have sex again.

I then told her how much my nipples hurt and that it felt like burning hot needles every time I tried to get Hope to feed (seems crazy to be writing that - she’s my baby. Hope is MY baby). Anyway, so Juanita said, let me see how you get her to latch on. For the record, there are pages and pages, chapters and chapters of advice on getting a baby to latch onto your bazooka the right way.

The way Juanita did it was to basically tease my nipple in front of Hope’s nose (weird, but okay, I can roll with it) then wait for her to open her mouth, and then just ram it all in.

Just like that.

Ben had to leave the room; he was laughing so much.

I heard him clatter down the stairs and then hammer on Tristan and Mer’s door.

So it was me and Juanita and a baby sucking on my boob. All very cozy.

“How are you doing?” she asked.

“Okay...” Was this a trick question I wondered, some sort of test I was going to fail?

“Managing okay during the night.”

“I think so...”

“Lilah There’s no right or wrong. I’m just checking you’re okay.”

“Okay. I’m okay.”

Was I though... I felt... well exhausted, stretched... and well. Frankly panicked.

“Sometimes I can’t believe she’s here. Like she’s here and I’ve got to remember her all the time.”

Juanita nodded and then nodded again with approval at Hope eating so well. Is it eating, or is it drinking? See I don’t even know something as basic as that. “Lilah, lots of new mothers feel that way.”

“They do?” Stupid sharp tears prickled at my eyes.

“Sure. You have a quick birth too, with the delivery being here you didn’t get the chance to leave the hospital, or get the nurses' help while they were there to take care of you.”

A tear escaped and I brushed it away. “I know. I guess I thought a home birth would be a good idea, but I hadn’t thought about every angle. I didn’t realize it would be like that.”

Juanita laughed. “No one ever does.”

“So I’m not totally dumb, then?”

“Not at all. Now, where’s Ben gone too.”

“He’s hiding downstairs with my twin.”

“You’ve got a lot of family around you; let them help you. And talk to Ben, tell him how you feel. No one needs to be perfect, especially not a first-time mother.”

Well, that’s good. I’ve never been perfect in my life.

She stood up and packed her bag back up, zipping the portable scales into a bag and then double-checking all the sign-off paperwork. “That’s it then. I don’t have any concerns, Lilah. The baby is gorgeous, you’re going to be great.”

“Thank you.” I couldn’t say more because I had a gigantic lump stuck sideways in my throat.

“No. Do you think I could get an autograph from Ben? My niece is a massive fan, and I only got her a top from Primark for her birthday.”