Page 19 of How We Loved

November

1st November

I can’t believe it, it’s B-Month. Not at any other point in my life would B, of course, stand for Ben. Now, B stands for Baby. It’s Baby Birth month. BB Month. Oh, anyway, whatever the month. It is here. So I’ve decided that as the baby is due officially on the 21st November... which is frankly a bit too close to my own birthday for my liking. Add to that the fact the last two years Ben and I haven’t managed to spend one decent birthday together, and I am determined to have this one for my own.

The baby can wait. There will be no sex. No Bhaji. No nothing until after my birthday. Ben’s just glanced over my shoulder. He has an issue with the no sex idea. He’s not the one that’s going to get stabbed in the cervix and have their vagina stretched to allow a baby a free exit route. Nope. No sex.

Mum’s got me worried about a couple of things. Firstly the pain. Secondly... what if they’ve missed the fact there is a twin in there? They can’t have, can they? No. I can only feel one set of feet doing the can-can against my ribs. I’m pretty sure my lungs are half the size they used to be. I can barely breathe. Ben has suggested a hypno birth. (He’s suggested this because they do it at the swanky private hospital he wants me to swap my care to.)

I’m still pretty set on having this baby at home. I just feel that if I can do it, can successfully have this beautiful home birth, it will, for the first time in my life, be the one thing I’ve done right.

My temper has started to fray, can’t lie. I suggested he go fudge himself, which didn’t have quite the effect I wanted and caused him to chuckle spontaneously for the whole of yesterday evening.

3rd November

I’m not convinced the baby is facing the right way. Mum has got me thinking too much about the whole thing, and I’m starting to freak the hell out. I can’t breathe properly and I’ve had Braxton Hicks solidly for days. Juanita has checked the baby is still the right way down, but Ben has been a nervous wreck ever since.

He’s booked a private scan. Again

5th November

Scan. Baby is head down. Juanita is happy. Ben is not. He’s booked another private scan.

6th November

Scan. Baby is still head down. Ben is still not happy. He’s booked another private scan.

9th November

Scan. Baby is head down. Juanita is happy. Ben is not. He’s booked another private scan.

Later

Mum’s here.

FML.

12th November.

Braxton Hicks are now out of control. Ben is no longer allowed to touch me. No hugs, kisses. Nothing. Banned. I’ve realized I haven’t got enough babygrows. Need more babygrows. Can’t have the baby without them. Going to Mothercare.

Later

Mothercare killed me. Why put stairs in a shop for pregnant woman? Meredith insisted I buy a breast pump.

Haven’t learned about feeding baby. Should have gone to a parenting class.

Panic.

Panic is now real.

I peed myself in Mothercare. Can’t go back there again.

13th November

And breathe. And breathe again.

I’m not doing a hypno birth but I am not walking around with the Calm app permanently on and playing through my earbuds.