Page 98 of How We Began
24th February
(10.00 a.m.)
I’m back under the duvet.
I’ve re-read my entries from the last couple of weeks.
If anyone has been a dickhead the last few weeks… okay, months. IT’S ME. LOCK ME UP TO SAVE MYSELF.
On Valentine’s Day, all Ben wanted was for me to admit that this thing we have is more than something just physical.
WHICH I DO.
But, oh no, I just couldn’t say it. I stood there like a dim-witted nut job and said all the wrong things.
This whole ‘friends’ thing is completely and utterly my fault.
I should just go and knock on his door right now and tell him that it has all been a complete misunderstanding and that really I do feel a lot for him, and would he perhaps hang around and cook me spaghetti Bolognese forever?
Or I could just stay under my duvet.
(11.00 a.m.)
Okay. Duvet today.
(2.00 p.m.)
I think maybe I should come up with a plan of attack to try and win him back. This whole separation between us has been caused by me. I should try and fix it.
Tomorrow I’ll try harder to show him that I can manage something more than friends. I know it will only be for a short time, but it has got to be better than obsessing about him and stalking him, then not doing anything about it.
I just need to say, ‘Yes, Ben. I do completely love having sex with you, but I am also in love with you as well.’
That should be easy.
25th February
I’m officially depressed. I caught up with Ben after class, trying to chase after him, while not making it too obvious. I looked like I was one of those Olympic walking marathon athletes that have to go as fast as they can without breaking into a jog.
“Hey, Ben. Do you fancy a trip to the library?” I gasped as I caught him up.
“Oh. Sorry, Lilah, I’ve got football practice.”
He had what now? I didn’t think I’d heard him right.
“Football practice?”
“Yeah, I joined the team.”
“Why?”
“I had some free time. Seemed like fun.”
“Oh. Okay, then. Well, have a good time.” How awkward could I be?
“Thanks. See ya about.”
It’s a date with the duvet again.
