Page 83 of How We Began

When am I going to grow up?

(4.00 p.m.)

Meredith came to die with me. That’s fine, better to be together. Very Thelma and Louise.

“Tristan’s pissed with me,” she groaned, massaging her temples.

“Yeah,” I croaked, “Me too.”

“He says I should be taking care of myself after what I’ve been through…” She trailed off. “I think I needed to let my hair down. Thanks, Lil, I really think it’s helped.”

“I’m not advocating wine as a cure for heartbreak, but sometimes it does help.” She grinned and so did I, both of us staring at the ceiling. “Anyway, I told him to sod off.”

Mer snorted. “Me too. And for the record I think you let your hair down as much as me, so what was that about heartbreak?”

“Don’t even, I told him I loved him.”

I pulled the duvet up again like it might make the memory go away, before shouting out to clarify. “Actually I told him I shloved him. Which is far worse.”

“Lilah, he knows that anyway.”

“Well, I’ve never told him before. Bit sucky that the first time I express the words I’m two sheets to the wind and then throw up.”

Meredith snorted a laugh before seeing the agony on my face and dropping her smile. “Yeah, but he knows it all the same. He just needs to know if you love him enough to want him to stay.”

“I’ll never say that.” I scowled, which hurt my still-sensitive head.

“Well, then he’s going to leave and that will be it.”

“Yeah, I know. That is fine. It's how it should be.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Yeah, I know.”

(11.00 p.m.)

“Lilah? Are you awake?” Ben stuck his head through my door and I blinked up through the darkness at his shadowy form.

“I am now. Come in.” I struggled up, untangling my legs from the duvet and palming my hair from slightly less cockatoo.

“Sorry.” He landed on the bed with a thump, smelling of all things Ben. “I just need to tell you something.”

Oh, my god! He was going to tell me that the plans had changed, that they weren’t going.

He was going to stay and live a happily ever after with me.

Pressing his lips against my feather headed mess of hair he gushed a long exhale. “The band’s been invited to L.A. over Easter. They want us to meet everyone and talk through plans for our recording time.”

Oh.

“That’s good, Ben. Very exciting.” I sounded false even to my own ears. Eyes stinging with the fury of hell.

“It is, isn’t it? It feels like it's finally going to happen!” Another kiss pressed into my hair.

Yeah, it is really is going to happen.

My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach but I pulled him down next to me, winding my arms around his waist. Hugging is easier than talking. Especially where there’s a lump the size of a bowling ball stuck in your throat.