Page 76 of How We Began

We reached the dorm in record time and may as well have walked into a scene from a horror movie. Jayne was sobbing as we marched through the door, and I instantly wanted to throw up. Ben looked even paler than his normal skin tone and just stared at me blankly.

Meredith was in the bathroom and there was blood everywhere. Her jeans, which were still on the floor, were drenched and she was staring at the toilet. She looked up at us as and said words that I will never be able to forget.

“I think my baby is in there.” She gestured at the toilet and then threw up.

Tristan, my beautiful and brave brother, strode towards her, grabbing a towel as he went and picked her up like a little doll, gently kissing her forehead as he murmured soft words I couldn’t hear over the static buzzing in my ears. He took her into her room and sat cradling her in his lap while I tried desperately to get through to the early pregnancy unit at the hospital.

Finally I got through to some complete mega bitch who told me that from what I was describing, Meredith could have lost the baby but they wouldn’t be able to tell for sure until the following morning when the scanning unit was open again. She’s to go first thing tomorrow and they will be able to see if there is a viable foetus.

Meredith bled all night.

We all sat with her.

It’s not at all what I expected. Not that I know much about it, but I kind of thought it would just be over. Instead, it was slow and drawn out and desperately traumatic. I even dialled the hospital again. It seemed crazy just sitting there, but they assured me, nicely this time, that Meredith was better in the comfort of her own home. The simple fact being that this early in a pregnancy there was little they could do anyway. I had no idea how to tell Meredith that. There aren’t words for telling your friend news like that. So I kept them to myself like a vile secret that ate away at me from the inside out.

At nine this morning we were waiting at the scan unit. Ben held my hand tight.

By nine-thirty we had our answer. Meredith lost the baby at eight weeks and four days.

Only two weeks ago, the news of the little bump had come as a complete shock to us all, unexpected and unwelcomed. Yet there were four shell-shocked people leaving that hospital. My heart could break over and over again at the memory of Tristan’s face. I’ll never be able to forget it.

Meredith is scheduled for a procedure in a few days to make sure that everything is all gone.

How bad is that? She has to have an operation to make sure that her baby is all gone.

We came home and drank a lot of vodka. I don’t care that I did not make the full month without alcohol.

I’ve also smoked thirty cigarettes, and had sex with Ben, twice. None of it has made me feel better.

I’m not going to be an aunty and my best friend and brother are heartbroken.

Yep. Vodka was the only way.

27th January

This morning I called my dad and told him he could go to hell.

I don’t need him.

We don’t need him.

He told me that the Estate Agents would make sure the place was sold by the end of July.

I told him to do it quicker. We don’t want his poncy flat anyway.

Then I called him an arsehole.

Then I had sex with Ben again.

PART SIX

February

1st February

Meredith: Lil, I have some exciting news. See you later?

I’ve absolutely no idea what can be exciting. She had her operation yesterday. I’ve not seen her very much since the whole thing at the hospital. Tristan and Mer have been at the flat in Putney, dealing with their world of unexpected pain, which I can hardly comprehend no matter how much I try.