Page 48 of How We Began

I’ve been hiding in my room all day just legging it to the bathroom every ten minutes.

Earlier, Ben poked his head around my door. “Are you alive?”

“No, I don’t think so.” I couldn’t help my groan.

“Can I get you anything?”

Yes, a new bumhole, please.

“No, thank you. I’m just going to stay in bed.”

I pulled the duvet up to prove my point.

He must’ve known I’ve had the shits all day. I’m reading Persuasion by Jane Austen. It’s my favourite book and my mental comfort blanket when I feel low.

I’ve officially given up with today (and not in a typical Delilah way, but in an I’m actually rather ill and it’s allowed way) and going to settle down for some quality time with Captain Wentworth, although I’m pretty certain he never had to deal with his Anne having a dribbly bum.

5th January

Meredith is coming back tonight. Thank God for that! I said I’ll pick her up from the station at 7. It’s been okay here, just Ben and me, but I can’t wait to have someone else to talk to. Well, mainly to talk to about Ben.

I’m surprised she didn’t suggest the pub, but then I think perhaps Ben has told her about my crazy detox.

I do not know how it happened, but Ben and Tristan seem to be doing some bizarre best mate thing. I mean, at first I didn't notice, I was too busy obsessing and stalking Ben to realise that he was actually becoming friends with my brother at the same time. I find it a bit odd because Ben is so normal and nice, and Tristan is still, well, Tristan. Still, only a few hours until my bestie is home and girl power will be re-instated at flat B Digby Stewart.

(She’s back)

“Holy shit, Lilah, you look hot! I just don’t get it!”

I didn’t get it either. But Meredith had repeated it over and over again just to make her point clear.

“You must have lost a stone since, um, well you know, since…”

She wasn’t wrong but it has got nothing to do with my diet, and more to do with having my heart stamped out of my chest.

“Doesn’t she look hot, Ben?” She turned to Ben and pointed at me, just in case he’d forgotten who I was.

“I always think she looks hot.” His cornflower gaze caught mine and I slunk down in my chair.

Unsurprisingly, we’d ended up at the student bar, which was open to the whole seven students currently on campus. I was sticking to the Diet Coke though, knowing that I had an essay to work on and the gym.

Those were words I never thought I’d say.

Meredith had been filling us in on what happened with her mum and dad. It sounds awful, and I’m very glad that I missed it. Her dad went completely mental that she failed to have family Christmas with them. She finally managed to convince them that I was in a really bad way and that she’d been worried I was going to do something drastic. As she said this, she shot me an apologetic look. Ben stiffened, his pint glass frozen between the table and his mouth.

Then the bombshell otherwise known as Tristan arrived on their ruined family holiday. He’s been banned from their house and told never to darken their doorstep again. The implication being that he is a complete pervert for going out with a girl so young. To be fair, six months ago I would have thought the same, but I’ve seen him with her, and I know that his intentions are as honourable as they could ever be. Tristan, to his credit, persevered, and managed to get his foot inside the door so he could talk to her dad without being shot at by his farmer’s rifle. They still aren’t happy, but better about it all, which is good.

“So what did you decide about the band?” Meredith asked Ben, after taking a deep drink of her pint. The question hung there like a lead balloon.

“I told them yes,” he said after an age. I’d been buried and turned to dust it took him so long to answer, but the oxygen in my lungs still kind of whooshed out from my chest.

“You’ll be back in time for the start of the second year, won’t you?” she asked him.

Yes, won’t you? I’d sat forward, my heart thrumming an uneven rhythm I wasn’t sure was healthy.

“No. If I go, then I won’t be coming back. The band needs a full commitment and I can’t really do both. We’ve been offered a massive break and it’s all in or not at all.” His gaze flicked in my direction.

What? What was he saying? That next year he wouldn’t be here at all. I mean I’d kind of figured we wouldn’t live together again, but not be here at all?