Page 165 of How We Began

Deciding enough was enough, and that I was stuck there regardless of my inner turmoil, I glanced at the questions on the paper.

And damnit, I should’ve done it sooner! They were easy.

It was the stuff that Ben and I were reading about the other day. The other day when he sat in the library with me, determined that I’d pass my exams.

Ben. Ben. Ben. Ben.

Then I started to write, like my life and sanity depend on it.

Finally we were told that we could leave if we are ready and I jumped out of my chair as if someone had set a fire under my arse. I dashed out of the exam hall and sprinted across campus as fast as my legs would take me.

Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. Please don’t be gone. I just need to tell you that I’ve been a dick and that even though I know you need to go anyway, I want you to know that I love you and that I want you to stay, so at least you know, and one day you might come back.

I flew up the stairs of the dorm, my legs screaming in agony as I took them two at a time. I fell through the door, trying to push the memories of Ben and I crashing through it so many times together out of my mind.

I barged through his door and came to a stop, staring in shock at his empty room. There was nothing left that would ever show that he’d been there.

He’d done what I’d asked. He’d left.

I turned and entered through the door to my room, my heart already heavy and struggling to beat. Ben had been here. There were traces of him everywhere, but he wasn’t there.

It’s too late. He’s gone. I let the love of my life leave.

I’m just sitting on my bed. I’ve no idea what to do.

Other than allow the tears to fall. I don’t need to hide them from myself. I deserve them for being so completely blind. For never having faith in myself like I should have had. If someone can love you that much, then you should be able to love yourself as well, because you deserve it.

If someone can see the best in you, then you should believe it is there too.

If someone can accept your crazy behaviour, obsessive impulses, and can lovingly squeeze your squidgy bits and want you all the more for them, then you should accept them, too. How can you not?

This is a lesson I’ve learnt too late.

Wait a minute. What’s this??

He’s left a post-it note, right here in my diary, stuck between two blank pages where in days to come he probably knows I’ll write more heart-broken drivel. It just says, Trafalgar?

This is it. It’s my defining moment. Do I let him go and we stay on the path we’ve planned, or do I take this gift he’s given us, and hope there’s a forever waiting just for us with our names on it?

Fuck it.

I’m taking the gift…

25th June

So, here’s how yesterday went…

“Where are you going?” Meredith tried to catch me as I ran past.

“Got to find Ben.” I heaved my breath as I skidded along the path.

“Good luck!”

I didn’t need luck. I needed a divine intervention. He must have left me that Post it hours before. For all I knew he might have given up and gone to Heathrow.

I ran all the way to the Tube, knowing the busses wouldn’t get me there fast enough.

Trafalgar heaved with sunshine seeking tourists, and I wondered how the hell was I going to find him there. I ran around the lions, the statues, the fountains, my feet finally slowing, my legs shaking with the failed effort.