Page 162 of How We Began

I did it. I did it. I may be broken forever, but I survived the Ball. I survived our goodbye.

(Summer Ball)

“Hey.” The blues appraised me. I got the colour spot on. His cheeks flushed a little as he looked me over.

“Hey, handsome.” Decked out all in black, making his pale skin and the dazzling blues stand out in contrast, Ben looked like he should be walking the red carpet at the Oscars. Not headlining a shitty university ball.

“You ready?” He held his arm out and I linked mine through.

I will never be ready. I will never be ready for our long goodbye.

With heavy legs, I allowed him to lead me through the door as we strolled into the late evening dusk.

When we got to Froebel, everyone was already there. Meredith in the most amazing pale-green chiffon dress. Jayne looked awesome in a figure-hugging black number, and Beth was wearing her shit-kicker boots and a 50s style tea-dress. I laughed and gave her a wave. Tristan had his arm firmly clamped around Meredith’s waist and gave me his familiar eyebrow arch.

“Blue suits you, sis.”

I flushed scarlet, which I was pretty sure clashed.

Ben kissed under my ear. My heart rate rocketed, aching in my throat as he pulled me onto the dance floor where we effectively just stood hugging, regardless of the music’s tempo, until he finally eased away and met my gaze.

“I’ve got to go and join the others,” he whispered, lips brushing my ear.

“I know.”

I could see them setting up on stage, glancing around for him.

With a last kiss to my jaw, he slipped away and jumped up on the stage earning a giant wave of applause from the crowd.

I didn’t think my legs would hold me up.

Everything hurt as he bro-hugged his friends and picked up his Gibson. He gave me a wink as he strummed his fingers over the strings. My stomach did a spectacular somersault and my left leg started its Elvis wobble.

Tristan slid his arm around my waist. I’m not sure if he was there to comfort me, or if he was actually there to hold me up, nevertheless I leaned into him and took something from the comfort he provided. Beth and Jayne were prancing about, grinning like crazy, cheering Ben’s name as loud as they could while Meredith performed her demented chimpanzee twirl.

Sound Box rocked, again. I watched them with this immense feeling of pride but also with relief. I have never been surer than I was in that moment that I’d made the right decision.

At the end of the set, I could see his eyes scanning the crowd for me, and I knew that in a few short minutes he would be back standing there with his arms around me, and that would be it. It would be over.

To my complete surprise, Ben leaned into his microphone and gave a grin, his wicked one, the one that I first saw.

“Somebody once told me that she felt she was living her life to a Taylor Swift soundtrack.”

A loud roar rose from the crowd and everyone started looking around at each other. Meredith grinned at me, making my stomach swoop down to my toes.

“I’d no idea what she was talking about,” he continued, “so I had to do a bit of research. At first I didn’t get it, but then I found one song that made me understand. So tonight, for one night only, Sound Box are doing some Taylor.”

He grinned as the crowd erupted, his hand to his ear to make them shout louder. Magical and a true showman, he held them in the palm of his hand.

“This song is dedicated to Lilah: ‘Long Live.’”

Oh, my god! He was going to sing Taylor fucking Swift!

All because once I’d shouted at him and told him that he was making me live my life by her songs. My knees gave in and I realised why Tristan had been standing with his arm around me.

Ben started to sing, and I began to slowly come apart at the seams. There was nothing in this world that could keep me together. Nothing.

When he got to the last verse, the sad one: the one where you know that whatever it is Taylor is singing about, it didn’t have a happy ending, my heart stuttered, aching and pulling in my chest, like it didn’t want to go on beating.