Page 123 of How We Began

No texts or calls from Ben today. I’m not overly surprised. I knew he was going to busy. I’m just going to be a big brave girl and get on with it. Top marks for positive attitude.

27th March

No Ben again. I am sure there is a reason. A very good one.

Still no period.

29th March

(7.30 a.m.)

It's Good Friday. I’m not sure what is good about it. Still have not heard from Ben. The shop is closed today, so there's nothing to distract me from my obsessed worrying. It’s only been six days and I’m finding it hard. Really, really hard.

It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic and I know it, can see it, but I can’t do anything about it.

I’ve also realised how futile it is trying to convince myself that it will be easy when he leaves in June.

It’s been what? Three or four days out of contact with him, and I’m falling to pieces. There won’t be a single thing easy about it at all.

On a plus note, I’ve got Coco Pops for breakfast instead of Cheerios.

I’m going to get out of bed in a minute and perform the obligatory period check.

Good news today = Everything is going through at the house, and we should complete and exchange in six weeks. I have absolutely no clue what that means but it sounds like very good news.

(9.30 a.m.)

More good news = My period has finally started! That is the best news I’ve ever heard. I did the spare test just to make sure. It came back resoundingly negative. Just one big pink dot, and nothing else.

(9:35 a.m.)

“Why are you crying?”

“My period started.”

“I thought that is what you wanted.”

“It is.”

Cue snot bubbles.

“Have you told Ben?”

“Not yet.”

“Don’t you think you should?”

“Yes.”

More snot bubbles.

(9.40 a.m.)

I’m under the duvet.

What the hell is going on? Why on earth am crying? I keep thinking of his words under that tree months ago when he wanted us to “Create something perfect just by chance.”

It would have been. It would have been Ben’s and it would have been perfect. Perfect with blue eyes.