Page 121 of How We Began

We’re having sex a lot.

22nd March

Period watch—Nothing.

23rd March

And he is gone.

I can’t sleep. It’s impossible.

Now that Ben has finally gone, I can indulge in a complete freak out about the whole period thing.

Aaagh!

There we go.

Wait, there is more.

What the fuuuuuuuck?

Much better.

Now I can go into Boots, holding my head up high, and buy a flipping pregnancy test. I can’t believe I am in this situation just two months after Meredith. I feel terrible about it. There are just too many variables that aren’t quite right.

My best friend lost her baby that she was actually pleased about only two months ago.

I’ve only been with my boyfriend for a couple of weeks officially.

That boyfriend has said that he actually wants the baby that may or may not be.

I know that if the phantom baby actually exists, then it is going to screw everything up for both of us.

How can I tell my best friend any of this when her own wounds are still too raw? I wish I could talk to her about it but I can’t put her through that, it would just be wrong.

(11.30 a.m.)

Okay, now I just have to pee on this stick.

(12.00 p.m.)

It’s quite hard to pee on a stick. It all has to do with aim and the angle of the dangle.

Three minutes and I’ll know.

(12:05 p.m.)

Or I won’t, because it doesn’t give me a clear answer. I have read the instructions five times, including all of the small print. If the test has worked then there will be a pink dot in the small window. If it is positive, then there will be a pink line in the bigger window. If it is not, then the bigger window will be blank.

Thing is, there’s a dot in the small window, which makes me think the test is working and there is a line in the big window, but it is not that pink. What the hell does that mean?

I need help! I was foolish to think I could do this by myself. I need my friends.

(1.30 p.m.)

“He is going to be really cross that you waited for him to be at Heathrow before doing this,” said Miss State the Obvious Meredith.

“Yes, I know, but it is just as well I did. Imagine if he’d gone off, not knowing either way.”