Page 119 of How We Began

“Shit! I was set up.”

“Yep. I just sat there shamelessly listening at the door. I nearly came barging in when I heard you tell her, but I knew you weren’t ready to tell me so I kept on waiting.”

“You know, it doesn’t change anything, don’t you? You are still going.”

“Yeah, I know. But at least I’ll leave knowing that this was all real.”

I snuggled up against him, laying my leg over his.

“I love you, Ben Chambers. More than I will even find the words to say.”

“I love you, Lilah McCannon.”

It’s hurting already though and I know the deeper I fall, the more it’s going to hurt.

17th March

Period Watch: Nothing to report

Last night I went to sleep to the feel of Ben’s fingers tracing patterns on my tummy.

18th March

Period watch: Nothing.

19th March

(4.00 p.m.)

Tristan and I have arranged our mortgage. The mortgage adviser asked something completely derogatory along the lines of “Were we sure of the financial commitment we were making together?” If I put all my money in to the property, then I’m effectively stuck. The same is true with him agreeing to pay the mortgage, not that the mortgage will be that big. The deposit is nearly half of the overall property. The house will be 50/50 owned.

We turned to look at each other and grinned. Yeah, we were sure. The McCannon children are finally growing up. I feel completely liberated that I am doing something without Dad’s help. It means more to me than anything. I’m finally beginning to be my own person.

Mum wants to see me, although I am not sure I am ready yet. She’s sent three texts (I didn’t know she had learned this valuable life skill) and has left about five voicemails. I don’t know what to say to her. Perhaps something like, “Hey Mum, thanks for abandoning me over Christmas at the height of my depression. I was fine, by the way. Oh, also, I have sex three times a day—sometimes more on the weekend—with my new amazing boyfriend, whom I’ll never introduce to you. Oh, and I might be pregnant.”

Yeah, I think that is a conversation I could do without for a while.

Jayne, Beth, Meredith, Tristan, Ben, and Me. We were family now I thought as I looked around our table at the pub. We were celebrating our mortgage and the fact that next year we won’t have to be homeless and live on Roehampton Lane in a caravan. It was all good apart from Ben. He was staring at his pint and doodling patterns on my palm.

When his silence had tormented me to the point of brain ache I decided to go for a cigarette, I knew he’d follow. I didn’t even want one. The longer I go without a period, the more concerned I am about what’s happening. I won’t let that show though. I won’t do anything that stops him flying out to the states in a couple of weeks.

“What is the matter with you?” I asked as he sighed back against the alleyway wall.

“Nothing.”

“Seriously. Nothing?”

“I’m jealous.”

That’s my Ben, always direct.

“What on earth have you got to be jealous of?”

“You.” He waved a hand at me. “Making all these plans, and doing all this grown-up stuff. I wish it was with me.”

I stepped towards him as he focused on his trainer digging in the pavement at our feet.

“Ben, we’ve been through this.”