Page 116 of How We Began

Um, a baby. That is not good news at all, is it?

Ben needs to go to the States, and I need to finish my degree. A baby would seriously hinder all of these plans.

I don’t want a baby. I can’t even think of myself as a mother.

Could I be a mother?

Of course I can’t!

I can’t even feed myself, let alone another person solely reliant on me. Heck, I can’t even be sober for more than a month, let alone for nine months or however long it takes to cook a baby.

However, the idea is not as repulsive to me as I’d have thought. It’s definitely not repulsive to Ben. We found out this morning that I’ve got to leave the rest of my tablets and then wait a few days. There should be a period but it may or may not be real, something to do with the fact that when you stop the pill you automatically bleed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean you are or are not pregnant. I then have to wait a few days after that to do a test and then if it is all clear I can start my next packet on the first day of my next true period. It all sounds very confusing. It also means I’ve sent Ben out to Boots to buy some condoms. That would be just our luck: to not be pregnant now, but to actually manage conceive whilst waiting to find out if we are or not.

I’m a bit embarrassed. Scrap that. I am completely, bloody mortified! It is just as well he is going away in a few months otherwise we would end up with a minibus of kids.

13th March

“That’s a brilliant idea, Ben! Well done for coming up with it,” Professor Johnson was in full kiss-arse mode.

“Actually, it was Lilah’s idea.”

“Oh really? Well, Lilah, we might make a decent student out of you yet.”

Yes, you sarcastic bastard, you might.

Or perhaps instead I will just have a baby and be done with it.

Yeah, that’s been my day.

I’m visualising pushing a pram around on campus next year with leaky boobs and muslin squares thrown over my shoulder covered in upchuck. It’s not a look at that works for me. I am a ramshackle mess at the best of times, what on earth would I be like with a baby thrown into the mix?

What would I do with it during the day whilst I am at lectures? I wonder if they would let me just pop it in the corner, or maybe they will have a handy drawer or something it could sit in whilst I studied?

Oh, God.

14th March

I’m going to see Big Baz and arrange my “terms.” Ben wants to drive Deathtrap Cooper into Putney. I’m not sure why this is, but now we’re officially together he’s assuming the main driving responsibility within the relationship. It’s a man thing. They must drive the car at all times. ‘Me man. Must drive.’

I put up a fight. Just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean I’ve woken up with sex-induced amnesia and forgotten how to drive. In the end I gave up though and called the insurance company to put him on the policy.

Ben’s going to wait in the pub whilst I go to the shop. I’m worried about letting him in the shop in case I end up buying another crazy-priced guitar.

(Later)

I have the best boss in the world. It is official.

As I entered the shop, I spied Big Baz defying the laws of geometry with his rather wide arse squished behind the counter.

“Ah, Delilah! You are right on time.” He glanced up at me, his expression instantly changing. “What’s wrong, lovey?”

No, I couldn’t! This poor man had already heard one pathetic sob story from me. I couldn’t possibly make him sit through another one, could I?

Turns out I could.

“What am I going to do if I’m pregnant?” I told him the woeful tale and then sobbed at the end, dabbing my eyes with one of his tissues set conveniently out on the counter. As immense as he is, he moved surprisingly fast and in a flash he was up at my side with a chunky arm around me.

“Well, you know, love, I watched you two the other evening out at dinner. I think you’re far more solid than you think. If that was you two being friends then you have no worries now that you are together.”