Page 102 of How We Began

“Well, we were, but she wanted to hang out with him as well and he seemed interested in me, so I played along with it hoping to keep them separate.”

This made no sense to me. “Well, if you didn’t fancy him, why would you want to keep them separate?”

She looked at me like I was dumb. Fair point. And then lifted her chin to say, “Because I fancy her instead.”

Now I’m writing the whole thing down, it seems obvious.

“Yikes, Beth. That’s a bit of a bitch.”

I clinked my bottle against hers, and had a thought. “Yeew, did you kiss him even though you prefer girls?”

Her already pink faced morphed into ripe tomato. “Yeah, not something I’m proud of.”

“I’d say.” I studied her for a moment. “You know that you’ll find someone else, right?”

“Yeah, I know. Guess I should just try and be interested in someone with same feelings as me.” She sighed, settling back against the foam torture chair.

“You’re in the right place. This uni is full of romantic settings,” I teased as I motioned to our office reception style surroundings.

She laughed and nudged her shoulder against mine. “Well you managed it. Everyone knows that you and Ben are insanely in love with each other.”

I choked on my mouthful of beer. “No, that’s not true. We’re just friends.”

She fixed me with her Bambi eyes. “You and Ben are the only people who believe you’re just friends. Everyone else knows that you are minefield of hopeless sexual tension and lingering brooding looks.”

“Are not!”

“You are in love with him, though, aren’t you? You’d be crazy not to be. The dude’s a walking, talking legend.”

Emma said something similar.

Her tone welcomed me to just blurt it, let it all out, get the weight off my chest and let it all go. Just for one split moment I could verbalise the words I needed to, even if it wasn’t to the right person. “Yeah, I am, I do, I really do love him.” Just saying the words out loud made me shiver down to my bones. “And I am crazy, too. I’m not telling him how I feel because I don’t want him to miss his chance in the States. I think it’s best this way.”

“I thought he knew that, and you were going to carry on seeing each other until he left?”

“It’s depressing.” I groaned as I smack my head back on the wall behind me. “We were doing that, but then he got annoyed that I was supposedly using him for sex. He wanted me to give him a bit more on an emotional level, but I bottled it. I just couldn’t tell him, I don’t want to hold him back and for him to regret it, regret me. Now we are just friends.” I blew a loud raspberry to demonstrate just what I thought about being ‘friends.’

“It’ll work out for the best, I’m sure.” She eased herself out of the hideous chair. “I’ve got to go and finish some work for tomorrow. Thanks for the beers,” she said, clearing up her bottles and bowl.

“You’re welcome. Thanks for dinner.”

After she left, I sat there for a while to finish my beer, wondering what she meant by saying Ben and I are the only ones who believe we are just friends?

I don’t believe we’re just friends.

That meant he’s the only one who does.

Ouch.

I was just turning to head into the kitchen when I notice Ben’s door was open.

His room is right by the door to the lounge. From inside his room you can hear everything that is said in the lounge.

Fuuuuuuck.

“Hey, Lilah, good dinner?” he asked, nodding towards my empty plate as he walked into the hallway.

“Uh yeah, it was good, thanks. Did you have a good evening?”