Page 74 of The Last Kiss

The ring of the phone at my ear is making nausea climb up my throat again, but I look across at Liv and her eager smile stops me from hanging up.

After five rings I think maybe I’ll just be able to leave a voicemail, but just as I’m mentally high-fiving the fact the line connects. “Hello.”

“Hi, Mum, it’s Julia.”

There’s a sharp stab of silence. “Julia, how unexpected.”

I scrunch my nose and then inhale a bolstering breath. “It’s okay, I’m not calling to chat. I know that’s not our thing.”

“Julia, please.”

I cut her off. “I have something to tell you that’s important and I just wanted you to know without Olivia having to be the one to tell you. I want to protect her from that. Are you sitting down? You need to sit down.”

“Just a minute.” I hear a shuffle. “Okay.”

“There’s no easy way to say this but I’m dying. It’s been ongoing since I was ill a couple of years ago, but, well, uh, yes well, that’s it really.”

Across the room Liv’s face crumples.

There isn’t a single sound from the other end. I’m about to hang up when I change my mind.

“You and Dad treated me really unfairly all those years ago. I was a young woman, enjoying herself. I didn’t do one thing that any other person my age wouldn’t have been doing. Olivia made her own choices, she still makes her own choices, and we are still the very best of friends. All of this, all of this distance, the shame you made me feel. It’s on your parenting not on me. And do you know what, Mum, I can go to the other side, I can die, knowing that fact is true. I’m a good person, always have been, but you tried to cast me as a monster so you could blame someone for your own mistakes. If anyone should accept the blame for Olivia’s behaviour it’s you and Dad. You should have let us live, not held us down.”

With the end of my splurge of words, I hang up before she can say anything: tell me I’m loose-moraled, weak willed. Whatever other shit she’s told me before.

I gasp for air, adrenaline running through my veins. My heart is way too quick.

Liv pads over the carpet swerving Lenny onto his play-mat as he drools like a champ. “I’m so sorry, Jules. Sorry they blamed you. Sorry that I was so stupid. I always make out that I’m the sensible one, the grown up one, but really it’s been you all along. Look at the damn mess I’m in, living in a house I can’t afford with two kids, married to a bastard who left.”

“But look at the kids.” I point at Lenny trying to roll over but only getting halfway and then flopping back like a blob of jelly. “And do you know what, Liv. I know this is hard for you, I know you’ve always tried to maintain something with Mum and Dad, but I don’t care, and I’m sure as hell not going to spend the rest of my time thinking about them. Same as I’m sure they won’t think of me, even when I’m gone.”

“What do you want to do with the rest of your time?” She slips her fingers in mine and gives a little squeeze.

I chuckle low and gruff. “I think my options are running out. I haven’t got time to get married, have children, or earn a million pounds.”

“Why the hell didn’t you tell me you’ve been feeling worse?”

I raise my brows. “So you can live the ordeal with me?”

“Yes! We are sisters.”

Leaning forward, I wrap her into a tight hug. “That we are, but you are your own woman too. You’ve got lots of lovely friends, and your wonderful children. Pretty sure you’ll find a decent man someday… you know if you search under all the rocks and kiss all the frogs.”

Ice-cream city, my stomach hollows.

“You thinking of Henri?”

“Would it be sick and twisted if I was?”

“No. You like him.”

“Come on Liv, I hardly know him to like him. You can’t like someone you’ve only spent a matter of hours with and have kissed more than you’ve spoken too.”

Liv purses her lips in response and then swivels to face me. “Who says?”

“Uh, everyone, the universe.”

“Come on, Jules, look at me. I did things the right way. Went to uni. to get a glittering career, just like we were told we should. Met Darren who promised me everything, but who sadly gave me nothing, except the kids.” She pauses, face twisted, too many lemons in her lemonade of life. “Now I have no career, will probably have to move out of my home and I’m a single mother. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do anything for these kids, they are my everything.” Her gaze drifts to Lenny who has his whole fist in his mouth. “But do I wish I’d done things differently? Hell yeah, sometimes.” Her face drops, splashed with colours of guilt and remorse.