Page 64 of When We Are Old

I nodded my head. He could have it all for all I cared.

Hannah laid on the sofa, her legs tucked up, fluffy pyjamas in place. “You okay?” I lifted her legs and slid underneath.

She shrugged.

“Rough day at school?”

Another shrug.

We sat in silence for a long pause. “Where’s Matthew?” She didn’t turn from the TV.

“I don’t know. He said he had to go back.” I didn’t add that I’d tried to ring him a million and one times since I’d left Fred at Starbucks. I didn’t add that his phone didn’t seem to be switched on.

“I thought he would be here.”

I rubbed her leg. “You like him?”

Another shrug. “S’kay, I s’pose.”

I’d take that as high praise indeed.

“What happened at school, Hannah?” I tried not to make it obvious, but I watched her carefully. I sensed a spiral. In fact, the door slam she’d come home with, followed by the elephant herd stomping had made me nearly call Jewson—nearly, not quite.

“People laughed.”

“Who?”

“Everyone.”

“Why?” I carefully made sure I didn’t look too eager for info.

“Because I’m the girl who had the party fail.”

“Because we came and broke it up?” Let’s layer that into my anxiety for the day. Sure, why not? I’ve got room for more.

“No, because I let in people who I didn’t know.”

“Oh.” I carried on rubbing her leg. “How did you feel when they turned up?”

This stepped on dangerous ground; I’d used the word feel.

She didn’t answer and we both stared blankly at the screen until I decided enough was enough.

“Shall I tell you how I would have felt?”

She lifted her chin the barest fraction.

“I would have panicked. I wouldn’t have wanted to say no, but then I wouldn’t have wanted to say yes either.” I breathed in deep enough my lungs squeezed in protest. “So, I would have said nothing.”

I had one eye on her so I saw her nod.

“If I was being honest with you, Hannah, that’s exactly what I did today too. Matthew came marching up and said he had to leave, and I said… nothing.” Tears stung my eyes and I blinked to control them before they could turn into a world swallowing vortex. “I should have said something. I don’t know when it will end.”

“When what will?” She turned her face to me, wet tracks on her cheeks.

“When my silence won’t speak for me.”

Hannah nodded. “Mum, can I ask a question?”