Page 41 of If We Were Young

I rolled my eyes. “I guess that’s one way to see it.” I eyed her closely. “Do you have the switch?”

She shrugged. That could be a yes or a no.

“I used to want to put my hand up so much in class. I knew I had the right answer, always, but I had this fear bubbling in my chest that maybe I’d say something wrong; maybe I hadn’t heard the question right, so I’d sit there, staring at the table, and then someone else would say the right answer and I’d be so bloody cross with myself.”

She didn’t respond.

“It was suffocating. The desire to show what I could do, combusting with the fear of being wrong. So many times, I should have said something but then I didn’t.” I pushed at my hair, tucking it behind my ear. “I actually just spoke to Ma about it. I asked why she never took me to see anyone to get help.”

“What did she say?”

I snorted a little. “That you don’t need to see a professional to deal with shyness.” I shook my head. “She didn’t get it though. She didn’t understand what it was like to sit in fear of saying the wrong thing. My own research now tells me it’s social anxiety. It’s why I’ve been able to keep the business running. I understand my shortcomings and can work with them.”

“Did Dad know?”

“Yeah. He knew.”

“I wanted to get my nose pierced because I wanted to be noticed.” Her unexpected revelation almost had me sliding off the bed.

“Hannah. You don’t need to make a statement to get noticed. Everyone sees you.”

“Do they?”

“Well those who are worthy do.”

Matthew was in my head again. Gah, bloody man.

“Did you ever hurt yourself when you felt suffocated?”

This was it. One of those moments when you just can’t mess up had arrived.

The pressure built inside me. A kettle on a stove ready to whistle.

I dug out deep words that would otherwise stay buried forever. “Once I bit myself pretty damn hard. It bruised for a week.”

“Did it make you feel better?”

“No.” I stared at my forearm like I expected the round ring of my teeth to still show. “I was always too scared of what Nonna would say.”

“Why?”

I placed my hand on Hannah’s leg, waiting for her to pull away. She flinched but didn’t shrug me off. “When she saw the bruise, she asked me what had happened. I couldn’t tell her I’d done it myself, so I told her it was Eric Lawson. Nonna stormed around to his house and told his mum off.”

“Ooh, Mum. You did something bad.”

“I know. I lied.” More than once. All the bloody time. “I’m not perfect, I never have been.”

“You should have told Nonna the truth.”

“She would have told me I was ridiculous, but then as my mother she should have known anyway and helped me. I live with that regret now.’

Hannah’s lips pouted into the shape of a strawberry.

“So I’ll do you a deal. I think the nose thing looks cute, but you have to go to school. If you take it out now, then when you are sixteen and you go into sixth form, I will take you to get it done myself.”

She turned and leant onto her elbow. “Really?”

“Really. But… I want to you to be brave enough to talk to me if you need help. I’d do anything to stop you being tied in knots the way I always have been. Can we make that deal?”