Page 30 of If We Were Young

I groaned louder, with guts and feeling. I mean I wasn’t on a massive crying jag or anything. I just needed to sit alone. In a room. By myself. Alone. Alone.

For five minutes.

Maybe five hours.

My brain wouldn’t slow. Wouldn’t stop thinking.

Memories… ideas… fucking annoying little things like: didn’t his shirt fit his shoulders so fine… followed by, I wonder why he never called… I wonder why he’s still wearing that stupid bracelet.

My head contained too many thoughts for one woman to process. A dangerous pressure built behind my right eye, pounding like a nuclear twitch.

I’d thought of calling Angela. But then I couldn’t think of anything to say. So what, Matthew Carling and I would be working together for two weeks? He wanted me to help save his company. I’m a branding expert, not a bloody business consultant.

Two weeks to save a business with thousands of jobs at risk.

Two weeks to earn some money to save my own business. It’s March. I didn’t want my staff to be unemployed by summer. Natalie needed to be putting lipstick on at her desk. Fred needed to keep reminding me we didn’t have the latest version of Photoshop installed. Stewart needed to give me those puppy dog eyes while he asked if we should discuss the budget over dinner.

All those things needed to happen for me to keep what I needed. My safe zone, my bubble.

“Mum.” Hannah pushed her way in. “What’s wrong?” It sounded funny coming from her; that’s my official parenting line.

“Ugh. Nothing.” I forced myself to sit up. I didn’t even loll about on the bed when my husband died, so I had no excuse now.

She peered at me while I considered her in return.

Then I caught the flicker in her eyes. She expected me to not say anything. She actually waited for my silence.

Screwing my eyes shut, I forced some words out into the room. The pale-lemon walls echoed them back. “It was that stupid meeting with my new client.”

She perched one butt cheek on the bed. “Why was it stupid?”

I bounced my legs as I tried to put it into words. “I didn’t realise it was for a company that needed saving. It’s about to go bust, which makes it tricky because,” I glanced over her. “Because the Childs Agency isn’t skipping across a rainbow of success right now.”

“Oh? Mum! Does Nonna know?”

I scrunched my face and considered Ma’s disapproving look. “No! She’d say it was a good thing, that I should be home looking after you.”

Hannah’s face mirrored mine. “I don’t need looking after. I’m in High School now.”

“That’s true. But Nonna is old-fashioned in that way; she thinks I should be here making sure you are okay.”

“But you’d be bored and you wouldn’t see Fred every day.”

“I don’t keep the business running for Fred.” Actually that was a weird thing to say. Why would she say that? “Anyway, I couldn’t say no.”

“Why not? Your business is worth more than helping a client isn’t it? You can find another one, right?” Wow. How did she get this clever? I’m sure I had nothing useful to say when I was thirteen.

Gah. What was I supposed to say? It was a boy. I couldn’t say no.

That’s no message you should teach your child.

She waited but then her expression snapped shut when I didn’t continue the conversation. She got up, a small sigh slithering between us like the discarded dead skin of a snake.

“It was a boy. I couldn’t say no,” I blurted.

That made her pause. “A boy?”

I flushed. “Not a boy, no, ugh, a man. He was a boy once.”