Page 130 of If We Were Young

“I’m guessing you didn’t find the guy with the face like thunder?”

“Beautiful thunder,” I corrected.

“I’m Ben.”

“Ben?” I leant against the wall of the carriage. It rocked gently underneath my feet, like a baby being lulled to sleep.

“Benjamin Chambers.”

“Ben, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.” His blue eyes were too bright though, not dark and deep like pools of water under midnight. Heaven and slate.

“Have you ever wished you’d told someone something before it was too late? Like a fleeting moment that didn’t quite turn out the way you wanted. The way you thought it would?”

“Funny you should ask, but yes.”

“What did you do?”

“I’ve been searching for her ever since.”

I slumped a little. “That’s really romantic.”

He shrugged. “If it’s a connection, then it’s a connection. That doesn’t go away, I don’t think.”

“Thanks, Ben, oh and you are beautiful to look at.”

I was officially delirious. He chuckled and shook his head. “Good luck.” I moved off. My chin almost trailed the floor in exhaustion.

“You too.”

I made it back to first class and my cabin. I’d have to ring Ma and say I was stuck on a train. That should go well.

I wonder what she meant about flats? There was no way she’d leave that house. It was Dad’s and hers. Now I knew it was her safe zone.

I banged against the door opposite to mine as I tried to get my phone out of my bag. My heart sank when I saw that Matthew still hadn’t read my message.

I shot one to Hannah: Long story. I’m going to be late home.

The dots showed she typed straight back: I don’t want to know if it will make me cringe or want to pull my ears off.

I laughed. It was a strange situation to be in; my daughter was making me laugh and not want to bury myself in an early grave.

I dropped my bag and bent down to pick it up, banging my elbow on the cabin door. “Shit.”

The door behind me opened and a familiar shape leant against the doorway.

The moment rewound, took me back. Through the heartbreak of the last couple of days, through the five years of anger and obsession, the wilderness before. It took me to a dingy dorm hallway and a door being cracked open wide.

What would you do differently if we were young again?

“Oh, you’re a boy.” I waited for the panic to arrive. This was a big moment. He might not remember the conversation from years ago, or the whispered one we had the other night.

“Yep, last I checked I had a fully working penis and two rather full ball bags.”

He did remember. He did. Of course, he did.

I grinned like a contagious disease spread across my face.