Page 117 of If We Were Young

I waited for her to say thank you to me, thank you for giving her what she’d needed too, but she just sipped her coffee. Oh, it all made so much more sense.

“So what happened in Scotland?”

“Long story. Listen, I’ve got to get this all done today. I want it all finalised by tomorrow morning so we can hand it over to the client.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I can look after Hannah.”

I met Ma’s gaze and a little tingle in my spine made me sit up straighter. “I know you can, Ma, and I appreciate it. But she can look after herself; she’s a big girl now.”

“You mean, Ange will be taking her out again all hours like yesterday?”

“No. What I mean is that Hannah is fine, she doesn’t need to be babysat anymore.” I stood from the chair and pushed it back. “And you really don’t need to worry about me either.”

“Oh, Ronnie. Don’t be silly. It’s just your grief talking. You’ve always been so angry.”

“I’m not grieving, Ma. I’ve always been angry because I felt I made bad choices, but I see that now they were just choices. Maybe you should start making some for yourself. There’s a whole lot of life still out there you know?”

I turned and left her sitting at the kitchen table, her fine bone china mug in her hand and an unspoken five syllable ‘tsk’ on her tongue and then I ran up the stairs.

I needed to get to work.

Supersaver Foods needed to be saved today so tomorrow I could move on.

The door to Hannah’s room stood ajar. Her hair spread across the pillow in knotted waves and curls. I almost left her, but then thought better of it.

Words instead of silence. That had to be my new thing.

I walked in and then lowered into a crouch by her bed. She was beautiful all the time, but with her eyes closed and the fight within her snoozing, it was so much easier to see the little girl I once knew.

“Hannah, my love.”

She blinked and then bashed at me with her hand. “Too early.”

Chuckling, I leant in and gave her a kiss. “I know. I’ve got to go to work early. You get yourself to school today, okay? I trust you.”

She made a sound like a sleeping dragon.

“Love you, Hannah.”

“Bet you didn’t tell him,’ she sleep-slurred.

I rocked back on my knees. “Tell who what?”

She’d slipped back to sleep again, and I watched her until my knees began to burn.

I pulled her door shut and then headed back to my room. The same room I lived in all my childhood; same room I lived in through uni. Matthew was right about one thing. It wasn’t the master bedroom.

I ached all over as a thought of him stole its way into my head.

All my make-up still sat on the pine dresser I remembered my dad building for me when I was twelve. Ma had nagged him to death the whole time. I’d sat in the lounge in the end, desperate to be away from the constant tutting and sighing.

I sat on the bed and stared in the dresser mirror.

Yesterday still ached inside me. My body hurt in all the wrong places. My legs, my arms. The space in my chest that had hollowed to a husk.

It was all a whimsical dream. I realised that now. Childish longing. Unrequited love.

I shivered at the thought of his hands on my skin, the rhythm of his body.