Page 114 of If We Were Young

I glanced up and down the street looking for a taxi that could get me to the station. I might have been able to get on a returning sleeper train.

“Matthew, I need to go.”

“Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Why?”

He stepped closer, his thumb wiping my face.

“Because I don’t belong here with you. This is your life, and I really need to get back to mine.”

“I’m sorry, Ronnie. Do you know how the memory of standing outside the pub has burned me all this time?”

“Angela was right. You are just set to break my heart.” I shook my head. “She’s told me so many times. Even a couple of weeks ago after that stupid reunion she told me.”

His hand pushed through his hair, his face torn. “Angela? She’s the one who always told me you weren’t interested.” His face hardened.

“Shut up, Matthew. Don’t try and turn this.”

“It’s the truth. She hated the fact we were friends and was always trying to get you to go out with other people. On the day of that Freshers ball she tried to stop me chasing after you, but I ignored her. Even at the reunion…” He groaned and pulled at his hair.

“What? You danced with all the women. I guess I wasn’t there to keep them at bay anymore. A Matthew free for all. For the first time you were officially single. I get that.”

His mouth fell open. “What are you talking about?”

I didn’t have time for this. “I can’t believe you are turning this around. Angela has been my friend through everything. She was the one who sat by my side after Paul died. What did you do? You were drawing up divorce agreements and rowing about money, trying to save your father’s business just to save your face.”

“That’s not true.” His shoulders slumped. “You have no idea how untrue that is.”

“Matthew. I’m sorry. I wish I’d never come here.” God, my chest hurt. It scorched raw, enough to cripple me.

“Really?” He stepped closer. “You’re sorry about this morning? Because—”

“Matthew, stop.” My breath hiked, ragged and uneven. “This is nothing more than a dream. It’s a foolish fancy that two children dreamed up when they didn’t know any better.” I filled my lungs with icy, snow-melted air. “I need to get back to my life, because I realise now that I haven’t been living it. I’ve been so bloody stupid. All the anger at Paul. All the disappointment in myself. Living with my Ma, doing what everyone expects. Hell, keeping a business running because I think it would be wrong to fail. I’ve been dreaming. Still stuck in that moment on the doorstep when I didn’t know what to say.” The truth lightened the tightness in my chest until I almost laughed. “Oh God, I see it all now. The reason I didn’t know what to say was because you didn’t ever actually ask. You wanted me to tell you it would be okay to let your family down, to disappoint everyone, but I could never say that because you’d never told me what was going on. You never let me in. All the nights we sat in silence it wasn’t me not talking, it was you. You were the chicken shit out of the two of us, not me.”

“That’s not true.” His fingers reached for mine. “You don’t know what it was like. You were a safe haven for me. You don’t understand how much I wanted you, but Dad was always going on about being honourable, doing the right thing. Every time I came home at the weekend it felt like I couldn’t hold on to the dream of you. Then that night I knocked on your door I just needed you to speak for me, to give me anything that would tell me I didn’t have to go home, that I didn’t have to be that Matthew Carling anymore, that I could just be your Matthew.”

I shuddered a sob, my shoulders shaking.

“You could have been. You should have told me what was going on. You could have stayed with me; even Ma would have let you stay on the couch if you’d nowhere else to go. You weren’t alone. I would have been there. You should have asked me, explained.”

His lips flickered.

“Let’s get back inside, Ronnie. My brothers are staring out of the window like idiots. Stay tonight and then if you want to go in the morning, I will take you to the station.”

I looked up into his face, heaven and slate, beauty and pride. The thought of staying the night, the deep fall into this arms and soul, teased me until I nearly undid. But then I thought of what I needed to get home for. “I’m going to go.”

“But, your stuff…”

“It’s okay. I don’t need any of it.”

It was so true. There wasn’t a single thing, not one possession that I needed. I just had to get home to Hannah and tell her not to be like me. Had to beg her to never doubt herself.

“Goodbye, Matthew.”

“I will always regret this.” His eyebrows pulled together, his beautiful lips turning down at the edges.