Page 55 of Scars of Silk

I perch on the chair, my palm sticky as I lift her fingers and grasp them in mine.

“She’s been asleep a while, the doctor gave her some strong pain medication. She landed on her hip when she fell and for a while there, they thought it had broken.”

“But it’s not?” I look up at the nurse whose fiddling with the drug chart and the blood pressure monitor.

“A hairline fracture, which with your mother's slim build isn’t as much as a relief as you’d think.”

I turn from the nurse and glance at mum. She is slim. I mean she’s always been slender and perfectly groomed. What's expected of her. But now she’s lying flat, her face in repose, I can see the angle of her hips through the thin hospital blanket. Her fingers are bony, her rings spinning loose with the slightest push from me.

“What does it mean?”

“It means, she will need care and a lot of rest. If she falls again before the fracture is healed then it will definitely go into a break.

Then nurse meets my eyes and I know she’s read the records. How many falls my mother has had the last few years. I nod. I can’t even bring myself to lie. My shit tolerance is at its absolute bottom. I don’t even know if I can lie anymore. Dan has done something to me. With those dark bruises and darker soul, he’s brought me out into the light. I can’t explain it.

I shut him off from my thoughts. I need to forget about him.

Sooner rather than later.

Making my mind up, before I can wallow anymore, I grab my phone out of my bag and dial Melissa.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, Mum’s taken a fall. I’m at the hospital with her.” I’m not surprised when Melissa has nothing to say. She is no more stupid than the nurse. There are only a certain amount of times you can say something and people believe you. “I need you to call Scott Harrington and tell him I can make a drink after all.”

“Si—”

I cut her off. “Melissa, just do it please, for me. I’m free tomorrow. Then can you ring Dad’s secretary and tell her I can make an early dinner on Friday.”

“Sure. And Brighton… you won’t be going back there?”

My teeth bite hard on my bottom lip, but it stings no more than the dull thud in the centre of my chest. “No. I’m done in Brighton. There isn’t any more information I can get there.”

I wish Dan had gone for my idea. I wish he hadn’t told me that he was waiting for Faith to come back. I wish I hadn’t been there and upset my dad so that now my mother was paying my price for me.

“I’ve got to go.” My words catch in my throat.

“I’ll tell Elijah.”

“Thanks.”

I hang up and throw my phone into the bottom of my bag. I’d hate to see it ring and for it to be Dan. But then with a wry laugh, I realise we haven’t even swapped numbers. I’ve been with him for days, giving him everything, showing him all my secrets, and I don’t even have his number.

Well that’s good, it means I won’t have to go through the pain of deleting it.

Settling back, I grab Mum's hand. It's going to be a long while until she wakes up. What I’m going to say to her when she does, I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do. What to suggest, or how to say I’m sorry, and I hate that more than anything.

“Will.” A tear trickles down my face. But I don’t even have anything to give to my brother who I always assume is up there somewhere watching down on me. “You bloody git.” And then I let my head fall and cry like I haven’t done since I watched his body all grey and blue get lifted out of a Scottish river.

Maybe he’s not there, anyway.

Maybe he’s just gone.

“You’d have liked Dan, I think.” Mum’s still sleeping, but I can’t stand the silence any longer. I’ve dozed myself, but in my dreams I’m still in a tattoo shop. Still laughing and answering the phone. I’m still watching with fervent admiration as the broad shape of Dan curves itself over and swiftly and confidently puts pen to skin.

I wish he’d marked me. Wish it down in my soul.