Page 82 of Tears of Gold

“Faith,” he whispers my name like it hurts him to say it. “Faith, talk to me.”

My head shakes slowly from side to side. “It’s just the echoes of the past, Eli.” I slide my hands around his neck, sinking into his scent, breathing him in deep into my lungs.

“Please talk to me.” I can’t ignore the agony etched into his features. It eats through my soul.

“I was dreaming of when I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. When I knew the truth of the situation for what it was, but the deep conditioning that had been whispered into my ear refused to let me go.”

Eli holds my gaze, his palm cupping my face. “What did you do?”

“I drank a bottle of vodka. I took pills. It was a place I would never wish on anyone.” I want to tell him more. I want to tell him everything from that awful night, but I can’t. I don’t want him to never look at me the same.

I watch, my breath suspended as a tear slides down his face. “Don’t cry for me. Look at me now.”

“I’d take it all if I could. Every pain you’ve ever experienced, I would take it on myself.” Reaching up, I brush my lips against his.

“I know. But you don’t need to.”

“What did you mean about the deep conditioning?” He pulls me back, settling his back against the headboard and tucking me into his chest, his arms an iron tight hold.

“I realised that all the things he’d said, all the things they’d made me believe weren’t real.” I gulp in a lungful of air. “He told me that my body reacted to his because I wanted it, but I didn’t. I know I didn’t, but he used to whisper that if I told anyone all they would see was the fact I was a wanton slut who would fuck anybody.”

Eli doesn’t say a word.

“So, for a long time…” I shudder my breath with my words. “That’s what I did. I took control and I decided who I would sleep with. I chose who and I kept the power. If I was going to be a wanton slut, I sure as hell wanted to make sure it was on my own terms.”

“Until?”

“Until you.” I can’t look at him. “You made me stop. You took the control I so desperately clung to and you made it your own.”

He lowers his head so we are nose to nose. “Always talk to me, Faith. Promise me. Every dream, every nightmare, share them with me so I can take their weight.”

“I will.” I snuggle back down into his arms and let him hold me back into sleep. Some nightmares can’t be shared, though. Not if their memories chase you through your waking hours.

Nineteen

It’s a call I don’t want to make but my conversation from the other night with Eli keeps running through my head on a constant loop. I want to shut it down. Tomorrow I have to meet Fitzpatrick, the lawyer Eli has hired to see me through the case, if and when it comes to court.

Today I have to cleanse my soul.

I’m dodging calls from the rest of the world. Gerard is calling every hour, probably wanting to know where the hell I am and why I’m not going to class.

The phone rings three times, and with every shrill tone my stomach lurches and it has nothing to do with the baby in residence.

“Faith?” Even hearing his voice makes my skin chill, tingling with apprehension.

“Hi, Dad.”

“You’re the last person I expected to hear from.” He snorts and from the other end of the line I hear the clip of a lighter.

“Yeah, well, you’re the last person I want to speak to, so I guess we are all square.”

“What do you want, Faith? I think you’ve ruined my life enough.”

Fuck me. If I could reach down the phone and throttle the bastard I would. “Because Al left half his shop to me?”

“You were always his favourite. I should have known he’d screw me over.”

“He screwed you over because you’re an arsehole,” I snap.