Page 66 of Tears of Gold

“The jury have returned with their verdict; he’s on his way back to court.”

The colour drains from Tabs' face. Please let this go well.

I need to know this goes well. I need to know that fighting is worth it.

Tabs reaches for my hand and squeezes it tight and the little sentiment touches my heart.

“Sweetheart, I need to tell you something.”

“Yes?” She looks at me warily.

“Eli and I are having a baby.”

“What?” Her bottom lip wobbles.

“I’m so sorry, Tabs, but I wanted to tell you straightaway. I couldn’t bear to keep it a secret from you.”

“Sorry? Why on earth are you sorry?”

“Because I know how devastated you were… you know.” I can’t bring myself to say it, not now I’ve got a little life growing in my tummy.

“And as you said that very day, everything happens for a reason. I’m eighteen and now I’m single. So, you know, it was probably for the best.”

“You are being very brave.”

She laughs and wipes at tears that splatter down onto her cheeks. “Oh yeah, very brave, keep crying all the sodding time.”

“Brave to me.”

She nudges her shoulder against mine. “Maybe I’m learning from my big sister.”

I wish what she was saying was true, but I know I’m not brave. Not in the slightest.

“How are you feeling anyway?” Her red-rimmed gaze sweeps over me. “You seem okay.”

“I felt awful, totally hideous, but I seem better today; the sickness seems to have lifted.”

“That’s what happened to me and then they said that my symptoms probably improved when the baby died.” She slaps her hand over her mouth, her eyes wide above her fingers. “Oh no, but that’s not what’s happening to you. Oh shit.”

My hand automatically goes to my flat tummy, to my little lentil. “But I only saw it a few days ago, there was a strong heartbeat.”

“Faith, don’t listen to me. It could be anything. Maybe you are one of those lucky women who get off lightly.”

I know there is nothing lucky about me. I’m not going to get the lentil because of all the very bad things I’ve done.

I don’t deserve it and I was stupid to think otherwise.

“Faith, calm down. You’re panicking.” Tabs grabs at my hand but I can hardly feel it. My memories have pulled me back to when youth and anger fired my soul, back to dark days that I’ve never let out of their place and never will.

My phone rings and I absentmindedly answer. I barely listen to Eli over the thump of my heart rushing in my ears. Boom. Boom. Boom.

“That’s fantastic.” I can barely hear my words.

“Guilty of manslaughter,” I tell Tabitha, but I’m already standing up ready to go. Without a word I’m out the door and running.

Sixteen

“Miss Hitchin, you don’t have an appointment.” The lady at the desk implores me from over the rim of her glasses. “I can fit you in next week?”