Page 60 of Tears of Gold

“Um, no, not really. We’ve had a lot on, and I just can’t remember. I know I definitely had one in September. And the test I did said six weeks pregnant and that was last week.”

She nods with understanding, but I know what she is thinking. Daft cow doesn’t even know the last time she had a period.

“And is this your first pregnancy, Faith?”

I nod and Eli’s fingers tighten on my hand. “Yes, it’s all the firsts.” Another flicker of a smile chases across his tight face.

“So you are twenty-four. We will do your weight and height in a moment, but you are very slender. Has your appetite been affected?”

“Um. Maybe, a little I guess.”

I can only eat biscuits… but then I never ate a huge amount before… apart from that quiche the day after Peter died… Mm… quiche, I could eat a whole one of those right now.

“How much do you drink and smoke?” Dr Vernon taps her pen against the sheet she is filling in.

“I did, but I haven’t since I did the test.”

I sense Eli looking at me.

She asks a few more questions and then puts her pen down. “Okay. Now because this is under twelve weeks, we have to do an internal scan? That won’t be a problem will it?”

A what?

“Uh, no, I guess.”

But I’m freezing up. I don’t want something inside me.

Dr Vernon smiles warmly and pats my hand which is oddly patronising from someone the same age as me. “It will be fine, I assure you. Now if you come with me, we will get you all settled.”

Eli, who hasn’t said a word the whole time we’ve been in there, grabs my hand and helps me up. Good thing too because my body doesn’t want to move.

I don’t know if I can do this.

I said I wanted to find out, but now I’m not sure.

Maybe it would be better to wait until twelve weeks and let nature just do its thing. Yes, I think that would be much better.

“Faith.” Eli’s blues are on me, holding my gaze and allowing me to fall into their deep depths. “Together.” I follow him blindly and walk behind a curtain where I slip off my boots, leggings, and knickers. Then I lay down on a bed covered in paper towel, with a blanket over my bottom half. Eli comes to my head and grips my hand tightly, squeezing my fingers like both our lives depend on it.

Dr Vernon sits on a wheelie chair in front of a big contraption that looks like it could fly a space ship and picks up a wand which she rolls a condom onto and squirts it with jelly.

I can’t breathe. I don’t want that thing inside me.

Eli lowers himself so his mouth is close to my ear. “No one is going to hurt you. I’m right here.” I want to tell him he’s the one hurting me, because he’s the one with the demon sperm that makes babies.

“Just tuck your heels close to your bottom and then let you knees fall.” Dr Vernon is looking at her computer and doesn’t see me freeze.

“Faith, it’s okay, I promise.”

Although inside I’m clenched so tight my stomach actually hurts, I manage to follow the instructions. Eli is watching me closely, his thumb rubbing against my hand.

“I’m sorry I’m such a headcase,” I whisper.

He shakes his head softly from side to side and unwanted tears spring into my eyes. Dr Vernon turns, unaware of my difficulty, and lifts the blanket. My breath hisses between my teeth as she looks underneath.

“Okay, so we are checking for size and of course the one thing all people are desperate for, a good strong heartbeat.”

I nod blindly. I’m just focused on lying still and not freaking the fuck out. I can’t bear it. This is awful. I want to run.