Page 56 of Tears of Gold

Eli throws a desperate glance in my direction and I step up and give her a hug. “It’s okay, Tabs. He’s just going through a lot this week.”

She shakes her head. “It’s not the case. He says he’s just not ready; that it’s all too much. That he should be having fun with his friends, not be tied down.”

Oh.

She shakes her head and wipes at her face. Eli, the bloody wimp, retreats to the other side of the table from the emotional volcano which is about to erupt. “I might as well go back to Mum and Bowsley; I’ve got nothing here in London.”

“Well, that’s rubbish.” I push her down in a chair as we are causing a bit of a scene right in the middle of the restaurant. “What would you even have if you went back there? You’ve come too far to go back now.” I can’t help but find Eli’s gaze. We’ve all come too far to turn back now.

She pulls herself together as Jeremy comes in and Eli orders Sake for the table. I have just a sparkling water.

Bloody sparkling water.

We walk home holding hands, our arms swinging gently between us. “It’s nice to spend some time with you,” I say, casting my gaze in his direction.

“I know, I’m sorry. My hours are so crazy when I’m in court.”

“I get it. How did it go today?” His shoulders tighten and straighten, his fingers clasping mine.

“Hard.”

“The liaison officer called me today.”

It’s his turn to cast a side-eye in my direction. “Yeah?” I know he’s keeping his tone purposefully light. “What did she say?”

“That the investigation is ongoing; they are gathering evidence and she thinks I should talk to someone.”

“Do you think you should talk to someone?”

I roll my eyes. “Hell, no. Listen, I went to the police, I said my bit and Aiden will pay for what he did. I have full faith in that, but I don’t need to talk about it, or spill my guts.”

“I know you are going to be furious with me, Faith.” His eyes sweep over my face, reading me in the moonlight. “But I know you won’t let me help you, and I know you still aren’t talking to me about everything, and as frustrating as that is, I’m trying to be understanding.” He hesitates, which is so unlike him it can only send up red flags.

“Spit it out, Eli.” I sigh.

“I’ve spoken to Fitzpatrick; he’s going to take your case.”

“You’ve done what?” I stop walking and round into his space. “You had no permission to do that.”

“I want the best for you.” He steps right up to me, toe to toe. “So, I’ll give you the best.”

“Like you’ll pay for a private scan to find out about this baby thing?”

He stares at me blankly for a moment. “This baby thing? Is that what it is to you? One of the most exciting things that’s ever happened to me and you are calling it a baby thing?”

He pushes a hand through his hair, his whole body roiling with anger. It reminds me of how he looked on the pier in Brighton the night he told me he didn’t know how to fight for me anymore, for us.

A tight grip squeezes my chest as though my lungs are collapsing.

“Everything feels unreal, Eli.” My voice breaks on his name and I watch as he fights the doubts he has in his mind. I know what those doubts are, doubts about me, how committed I am. “I’m trying to be excited. Trying to believe it, but it’s hard. I’ve spent my whole life keeping people out, fighting to stay within the safety of my rules and now here I am, and I can no longer keep someone out because they are inside me.” My words rush, falling out of my mouth like water over a waterfall. “Now I can’t keep them out, and what if I can’t protect them, or help them? What if I can’t feel anything for them because you are the single only person I have ever loved?”

His shoulders slump, his hands palm up. “And you are the only person I’ve ever loved. I can’t but believe that anything that’s a part you and a part of me, I am going to be so wild over, it won’t be anything less than one-hundred-percent love at first sight.”

A tear slips down my cheek and I dig down deep for one unspoken fear. “What if I’m like my own mother and just not meant to be one? I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do it to whatever this is?”

“Then I will help you fight, help you be the person you want to be.”

I want to be happy. I want to be secure and rooted into place, no longer feeling the desire to run. The only way to do that is to fight. Fight so damn hard for the things I want, the life I want. It’s the promise I made myself.